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If you’re old enough to remember when the original Star Wars Trilogy was re-released in theaters in the 1990s, then George Lucas mucking with his movies is nothing new to you. I try to keep in mind that the man himself once said, “Movies aren’t finished, they’re abandoned,” and I can totally understand that sort of mantra, but at some point, it’s time to let go. From what I’ve been able to find splattered across this here thingy we call the internet, here are all of the changes to the Star Wars saga in all their pointless or horrible glory.
THE PHANTOM MENACE
Yoda is digital now… I’m kind of OK with this one – wasn’t a big fan of the puppet’s look in this movie.
A NEW HOPE:
They changed the noise Obi-Wan makes when he scares the Sand People away.
When R2-D2 is hiding from the Sand People and Obi-Wan takes off his hood and says, “Come here, my little friend,” R2 is hiding behind a lot more rocks than he used to be… and I have no idea how he managed to wheel himself into that position
Greedo still shoots first, but they changed the timing again – so it’s almost like they shoot at the same time, but Greedo is the worst shot in the galaxy and has never fired a weapon ever and has no interest in claiming the reward money from Jabba the Hut that he just said he wants so bad – otherwise, he could have shot him before he said, “Going somewhere, Solo?” Didn’t George Lucas take any basic logic courses in college?
RETURN OF THE JEDI
The shot of Jabba’s Palace’s door is different for no reason I understand.
Wicket blinks now… I used to spend a lot of time wondering why the the Ewoks didn’t blink.
More Tie fighters show up during the beginning of the battle over Endor when Lando says, “Fighters coming in!”
I’m actually OK with this one – in this case, the more then merrier.
And finally, the most horrifying of all:
Darth Vader Yells, “Noooooo!” before throwing the Emperor.
This is fucking garbage. It just sounds bad… ugh. It’s terrible. Nuff said.
I love comic books and I think they can be adapted for children, but there is a line.
I grew up on all sorts of violent media: He-Man, Thundercats, Transformers, GI Joe… if I was watching it, someone was getting punched in the face. Of course, I also loved comic books (and still do), but adapting this sort of thing to a story book is tricky. The biggest stumbling block is that story books are generally the sort of thing that, for this particular age group, are a shared experience between parents and children, and it doesn’t need to be an uncomfortable experience.
GETTING IT WRONG:
Captain America, The First Avenger: The Great Escape
This novelization of the movie of the same name only encapsulates one scene – when Cap finds out that his best friend from home, Bucky, has been captured by the Nazis. (I know the ‘N’ word doesn’t get tossed around a lot in the movie, but that’s what they are… and, if you think about it, they’re sorta Super Nazis!) Just look at this page:
When I show this to people, they don’t even read the entire page before they look up and say, “This is ridiculous,” or “Is this real? Did you photoshop this?” Do you want to explain to your kid what a casualty list is? I think not. I love Captain America and he’s a great role model for kids (although fictional characters shouldn’t really be role models for kids), but this is going too far.
Star Wars: The Story of Darth Vader
Because the kids have got to learn about Darth Vader somehow, right? Better that it comes from you and they don’t pick it up on the streets. That way, when they have to confront Darth Vader in their daily lives, it’ll be in its proper context. Stuff like this:
"Proper context THIS!"
Children’s literature needs more images like this. Remember kids, train yourself to let go of all that you fear to lose, or you’ll end up like THIS! THIS!!!
GETTING IT RIGHT:
DC Super Friends: Heroes United
Ah, here we go:
See, this is how it’s done – get together with Aqua Man and go tubing! Hooray!!
I’m not sensitive and I don’t have kids, but some of this stuff is too much. Often, I find that we insulate kids too much from experiences that would help them grow (modern playgrounds are a good example of this), but the fall of Anakin Skywalker probably doesn’t need to get added to the story book shelf.
When I was growing up in the 1980s, Star Wars was about as cool as it got. There wasn’t anything else like it; comic book movies were still in their infancy with essentially just the Superman offerings and some other small releases toward the end of the decade (Captain America, The Punisher) – until Batman showed up and blew all of our minds. But if you wanted escapist adventure in the 80s, you just popped in the ol’ VHS tape of the Star Wars movies.
As a boy, you could essentially pick out somebody in the Star Wars universe who you wanted to be, even if you didn’t realize you were doing it. There was Han Solo: rash and brave, a good blaster at his side and a powerful, hairy sidekick that bellowed like a golden retriever – and the owner of his very own spaceship. There was Luke Skywalker: space fighter pilot, Jedi powers and a lightsaber, and a little robot buddy that was half Swiss Army Knife. I guess you could also want to be Darth Vader… but we’ll get back to that.
Personally, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. The dude was essentially a samurai with super powers and an intergalactic fighter jet. That, in my mind, kicked ass. Who didn’t want to sword fight with a sword made of laser? “Yes, please!” So what does that say about me? So what does that say about me for picking Luke? Say about you if you picked Han? Vader?
"No, it's not a wig."
If you picked Luke: You want to be the hero and what’s more, you want it to be easy. Imagine what it must be like to foil a bank robbery if you’re Superman. Some asshole with a gun… that’s no threat to you. You just rip the gun out of his hand, squash it into a metal ball and pick him up over your head and crack his crown on the ceiling so hard that he passes out – drop him on the ground so the police can pick him up, and you’re almost done… “I hope this experience hasn’t put any of you off banking… statistically speaking, it’s the safest place to keep your money. Bye now.” Then you fly away. Being a Jedi isn’t much different; look how easily the Jedis handle somebody with a blaster – it’s pretty much no contest when you have force powers and can see into the future. Besides, what little boy doesn’t want to be a super hero?
If you picked Han: You want to be the hero, but on your own terms, when you’re ready. If people don’t like that, they can piss off! (British style.) But even more important than being a rebel and a hero is getting the girl, and Han gets his woman. Sure, you’re brave, brash, and self employed with your importer/exporter business (Costanza style), but in your ultimate fantasy, you get the girl… Uhm, why is that fantasy? Dating is rough, don’t get me wrong, but if you wanted to be Han, you figured that out at a young age and you figured that you were going to have more trouble than most people… so in your wildest fantasy, you get the girl. That’s kind of sad.
If you picked Vader: What the fuck is wrong with you? You want to be the bad guy? Didn’t you see Empire Strikes Back? He’s all messed up under that costume! The suit he’s in breathes for him! You think he gets chicks in that thing? And if he does, what could he possibly do with them? So yeah, if you wanted to be Darth Vader, I guess you’re reading this from inside a prison cell. Hope the food isn’t as bad as they say… or the shower.
NOTE: This review of Blade Runner contains spoilers.
When I say, “Blade Runner movie review,” it sounds as though I know exactly which movie I’m reviewing, but I don’t. Why is that? Because Blade Runner has been released and re-edited more times than Star Wars… I mean, “A New Hope.” Both Harrison Ford movies, that’s interesting… In any case, there are no less than 7 versions of Blade Runner.
Anyway, Ridley Scott directs a lose adaptation of the the novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick. That’s some title, huh? Can you imagine a punch of producers sitting around at able, having a conversation about the film’s title? “Hmm, if we keep the original title, maybe that will help bring in the audience from the novel,” on executive says. Then another says, “You think someone actually purchased and read a book called Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?And how are we going to fit that on a poster?” So yeah, they went with Blade Runner… that’s probably how it happened.
The movie feels a bit like a Stanley Kubrick film. There are long establishing shots of the locations as the camera moves toward a building, lots of wide shots, stark moments without music, and so on. I wouldn’t say the movie has a fast pace, but it moves along well enough, aided (especially during those long establishing shots) by a great soundtrack by Vangelis. It’s sort of a Noir movie, but the version I saw includes no narration, which I feel to be an essential requirement of Noir, although I understand there is a version with Noir.
The movie opened in what might be referred to as the ultimate sci-fi summer against The Thing, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khanand E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and takes place in Los Angeles, circa 2019, which seemed far away in 1982. Harrison Ford stars as Rick Deckard, a retired cop who gets strong armed into going back to his old job; that is, tracking down biologically engineered humans who are banned from earth and killing them. Deckard must specifically find Leon (Brion James – trust me, if you’ve seen any action movies in the 80s, you know who this is), Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer), Zhora (Joanna Cassidy) and Pris (Daryl Hannah – yep, bet you didn’t see that coming). To make a long story short, Zhora goes down pretty easily, Leon is only ‘retired’ (that’s what they call killing the ‘replicants’) when Deckard is assisted by Rachael (Sean Young), a replicant who believes she’s human until Deckard tells her the truth, and Pris and Roy’s final moments make up the climax of the movie. The detective angle to the story is a lot of fun, especially in the first act as Deckard tracks down Zhora. The futuristic version of LA is gritty and crowded, and extremely culturally diverse in both the ethnic population and the languages heard throughout the city. Rachael’s story is one of the more interesting parts of the film, as is Leon’s failure of the Voight-Kampff test, or a personality profile that distinguishes humans from replicants. Leon fails the test in just a few moments, but it takes Deckard over 100 questions to learn that Rachael is a replicant, meaning she is of a much more sophisticated generation of replicant than Leon, Roy, Zhora and Pris.
I have narrowed down the version I’ve seen to be either 6 or 7, given that it features the unicorn scene. Yep, the unicorn scene: because the movie just wasn’t trippy enough with J.F. Sebastian’s (William Sanderson) weird apartment full of little fake people walking around. If you’ve only seen the version without the unicorn scene, then Deckard is simply a gritty ex-detective with one last job to do (killing 4 replicants) before he runs away with a replicant. You see, Deckard’s old partner, Gaff (Edward James Olmos) gives him an origami unicorn, which could mean that Gaff is aware of Deckard’s dreams, because Deckard himself is a replicant. He dreams of a unicorn galloping in a field; is this because there are genetically engineered unicorns running around in 2019 and this is someone else’s memory implanted in Deckard (the movie does relay that it is common practice to implant human’s memories in replacants) OR would he only dream about unicorns because they’re not real and neither is Deckard? Or maybe because his old partner used to constantly gives him origami unicorns? Based on what information the movie provides, I have no idea what the answer is.
There it is – Blade Runner, in all it’s cult classic, 7 version glory. It’s an fun movie, despite anyone’s feelings on the pacing issues and subject matter. And you can’t go wrong with Harrison Ford and a strong supporting cast, so check it out if you haven’t already, and if you have, there’s bound to be a version of the film you’ve never seen that completely changes your perception of Ford’s character.
I was reading about this in the New York Times and I thought, “OK, get your HD on, I’m with that,” because the Star Wars movies have been released a zillion times, but a full HD version is a worthy excuse. I myself have the original trilogy on VHS, VCD (import) and DVD formats – the DVD format is ‘Special Edition,’ but whatcha gonna do? Buy the unaltered version, I suppose… but I can’t be bothered to plop down another $40 bucks just to see Han shoot first.
Then I read the caption under this picture:
A deleted scene from “Star Wars,” the first of the series’ live-action films, coming to Blu-ray.
Sorry, come again? Deleted scene, you say? Nice! I don’t think it’s from “Star Wars,” though; that seems to be Luke holding a green light saber, so any fool geek could tell you that this scene must be from “Return of the Jedi.” MUST BE. Suck it, Dave Itzkoff. I assume this scene takes place before or after Luke kicks ass at Jaba’s Palace, presumably when R2-D2 made a comment referencing Luck being a whiny bitch about his power converters in “A New Hope.” Yeah, I know I’m supposed to call that one “Star Wars,” but aside from above, I haven’t done that in like 11 years, so let it go. You can’t say “Star Wars” anymore and expect people to know you’re talking about one specific movie that came out in 1977. Hell, you can’t even say “Clone Wars” without confusing the crap out of people. I mean geeks.
The Blu-ray version is not going to include the unaltered (or rather, less altered – no one screws around more with his past work than George Lucas) versions of the original trilogy, so ‘Han shot first’ enthusiasts are screwed – at least for a while. At some point, Lucas will want more money and get around to releasing that version, so just be patient; “for the Jedi it is time to eat as well,” or something.
If you want to look bad in front of your boys, get into an argument with Carrie Fisher. I dare you. Read about her life – she can conquer anything. Remember Carrie Fisher in the Blue Brothers? Exactly. She brings it, so get a broom – she’s going to dunk on you and break your backboard, Shaq style.
Every once in a while, someone does something so dumb, it’s great. And every once in a while, I find a use for the NY Daily News.
Yep, some guy actually robbed a bank dressed like Darth Vader. How hilarious is that? However, in an incredibly unfunny twist, the man pulled a gun. What, no light saber? Weak, bro. That’s just weak. But still, only in Long Island. I imagine it went something like this:
VADER: [breathing: ho-haa] Put all of the money in the bag.
BANK TELLER: Are you serious?
VADER: Don’t underestimate the force!
BT: Seriously, buddy; get out of here before I call the cops.
VADER: The ability to summon the police is insignificant next to the power of the force.
BT: What?
VADER: Open the safe!
BT: I can’t; it’s time locked and the guys in the office don’t have the override key; we have to call corporate -
VADER: I want that money, not excuses. Just put the money you have in an empty computer paper box. Don’t fail me again, Bank Teller.
BT: I thought you said a bag…
VADER: I am altering the deal; pray I don’t alter it any further.
BT: It’s not exactly a deal…
VADER: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
BT: Who?
VADER: Just give me the money or I will fucking shoot you!
BT: Oh come one; is that even a real gun?
VADER: The ability to-
BT: Ugh, OK, OK – here’s the money.
OK, he probably didn’t quote the movies the entire time… But, I bet he quotes episode III when he gets caught: “Nooooooooo!”
Maybe it’s not fair to review a book I haven’t read – but I have no intention of reading it ever, so funk dat. Sometimes, you see something at Target that’s so hilarious, you have to stop what you’re doing and appreciate it – or rather, photograph it and then rip it to shreds in this space.
The full title of the book is Defining Twilight: Vocabulary Workbook for Unlocking the SAT, ACT, GED, and SSAT by Brian Leaf, M.A. It’s available at Amazon for $9.99. Title’s a bit of a mouthful, huh?
After reading a bit on what the Twilight series was about (of which I was previously blissfully ignorant), I would be shocked if the same audience that is all about the adventures of Bella and her supernatural boy toys is really concerned about what they get on the SAT, but since they’re literate, probably don’t need to take the GED, and I would guess have little use for the ACT or SSAT. To go further still, there’s an entire ‘defining’ series for all of the Twilight books to aid you in your testing endeavors. After all, who doesn’t dream of learning analogies from vampires and werewolves?
I guess this isn’t so much a review as it is a plea for sanity. Not only can the Twilight fans best known for harassing folks at their local Burger King to join Team Edward or Team Jacob not be bothered to read a real book, but the idea that they’re actually going to study for these tests is hard to believe, never mind buy a book to aid them in the study process. But then, who would? Maybe other franchise audiences would be in the market for such a tool…
I present to you my own pitches for the defining series:
Defining Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Discover your inner wordiness as Harry helps expand our vocabulary while he watches Dumbledore descend into madness and then get murdered by Snape. (M. Night Shyamalansays raves, “What a twist!”)
Defining The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Golem quizzes you on your vocabulary skills – if you get one wrong, he throttles you in your sleep. He also asks you riddles. Seriously; that guy loves riddles. They are precious to him.
Defining Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Remember that part when Anakin murdered all the children? Here are some synonyms for kill: annihilate, assassinate, dispatch, do away with, do in, eradicate, execute, exterminate, liquidate, massacre, murder, neutralize, rub out, slaughter, slay, snuff, waste
If anybody wants to publish these, give me a call and we’ll do it up. After all, if folks can make peripheral money off Twilight study guides, anything is possible.