For a movie called Jupiter Ascending, there sure are a lot of scenes where Jupiter (played by the talented but miscast Mila Kunis) is falling. That’s a fairly decent metaphor for this movie. Here are three points on this failed attempt to start a franchise. Read the rest of this entry
ME: Remember when I sorta hinted that I was going to review Battlefield Earth?
YOU: No. I don’t visit your site nearly as often as you think I do. Haven’t you noticed your traffic has been static for 3 years?
Anyway, fifteen-ish years after I saw it the first time and hated it, I rewatched Battlefield Earth… and it’s worse than I remember. Read the rest of this entry
Hey! That’s not what Candace Cameron looked like at that age! Boo! Boo, I say! Booooooo!
Rarely will one come upon a movie as flawed as Moonlight and Mistletoe. My mom, who is a generous audience, would even be yelling, “Oh, come on!” at the TV. I know that’s not an especially helpful analogy for you since you don’t know my mom, so let me put it this way: this movie sucks. Read the rest of this entry
“Look, mommy! I’m making Santa Monsters!”
Holiday Switch isn’t as “Peggy Sue Got Married” as Comfort and Joy is, but it’s in the same ballpark: it’s another, “What if I had this life?” sort of stories with an actress from 80s TV. This time, we get Charles in Charge’s Nicole Eggert, who was very popular amongst the boys in my sixth grade class. Read the rest of this entry
If you’re like me (or rather like I was until just a few weeks ago), everything you know about Twilight you learned from commercials for the film. Well, today I can bring you up to speed on that which has enthralled some segment of the world.
Death Race 2000 (1975) stars David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, women who occasionally do not have their tops on and other actors nobody cares about. The movie revolves around an oppressive United States government in a dystopian future where the most popular form of entertainment is the annual Transcontinental Road Race, a crazy drive from New York to New Los Angeles where the contestants must not only finish first but also score points by running people over along the way. Besides the race, there’s a subplot (which collides nicely with the primary plot toward the end of the film) involving a rebel group that wants to over through the crazy government and move back to democracy and obviously, the best way to accomplish this is by disrupting the race… I don’t want to give it all away, but that’s the jist. Oh, just one more thing – everything that’s wrong with the country and anything that goes wrong with the race has been and will continue to be blamed on the French. Because… fuck the French, I guess. Read the rest of this entry
I’d vaguely heard of The Room and seen a few clips on YouTube, but it took the wise advice of trusted friends to get me to watch the entire movie and truly appreciate its great-awfulness. So, Andrew and Janet, this one is for you!
Just look at the poster. What the hell is that look? Who picked that photo? Was that the only one they took? And is he drunk? Let this set the tone for something that is so bad it’s good.
The thing that makes this movie so interesting (it’s bad, but still interesting) is it’s insane characters. Sure, their dialogue sounds like a toilet backing up onto a floor covered three inches deep in Pop Rocks, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to listen to… or does it? It’s one or the other, I forget which. Read the rest of this entry