I hope everybody had a great Christmas – I sure did, as you will see. Whoever said it is better to give than to receive didn’t get these nerdy Christmas gifts that prove once and for all that some people just get me. Here’s what I got in no particular order:
I don’t know much about lady’s apparel and accessories, nor do I have a good handle on what is acceptable attire for a Christmas party… I know the model is flashed out on the cardboard backing, but she looks like she’s going to a swinging Christmas party, if you follow my meaning. Also, it should be noted that there is a decent sized battery pack that you’ll have to accommodate on the back of your neck, so that seems like fun, too. So… I don’t know where I’m going with this, but this necklace is probably geared at twelve-year-old girls or… someone shady, I guess.
A headless rider on a Christmas Carousel? Now that is some bone chilling stuff!
Check out more Christmas Posts here! Continue reading
For those that want to follow through on the age-old threat of putting a lump of coal in someone’s Christmas stocking, now you can. Sure, its gum, but I think the point will be made: they’re on the naughty list.
This holiday season, you might want to get the lil bastard in your life a Mad Muttz. It’s a noise making dog toy kids can enjoy with their friends and you’ll despise for the rest of your life.
I walked passed a display of these assholes and this guy, this fucking guy right here cut one of the loudest farts I’ve ever heard in my life. I stopped and looked at that poor man’s Spuds Mckenzie and thought about telling him to stick it up his water bowl, but I decided it wasn’t with it.
Anyway, my intolerance for a farting dog toy cleary shows my age… As does the Spuds Mckenzie reference.
The first ten minutes (or so) of Arthur Christmas was fun! I loved seeing how Santa would operate in a modern world with an ever-expanding population. After that… it’s just a bunch of loathsome characters who all seem to be British but can’t find England. The only character I liked in the entire movie was the elf that wrapped presents. Otherwise, the flick is a disaster of a road movie during which the characters seem to get more and more detestable as they keep running into the same brick wall. It’s a boring trip with people you come to hate more and more with each passing minute. (There’s nothing fun about the Santa family using the elfs as a labor class – particularly since the elfs don’t seem to need the Santa family to accomplish the task of getting children Christmas presents. And that’s just the tip of the North Pole Ice Berg… Santa doesn’t know the names of the reindeer? Seriously? What an asshole. Oh, and I have no idea what the point was of them losing the reindeer one by one – it just made me feel like they didn’t really give a crap about them, because that plot thread didn’t really end up being of import as it wasn’t the lack of reindeer that did in the sleigh… blah.)
I see what they were trying to, but it just didn’t work. I give it a 3 out of 10.
Nope, she’s not happy to see me – it is a Christmas tree. My favorite thing about this is she’s not aware of the tree and Christmas presents. (Or the birds that are decorating it, for that matter.) She’s too busy reading a magazine.
That is awesome.
Yep, it’s Christmas paratroopers! I guess this is left over from some company’s line of World War 2 Christmas toys… Actually, this sort of thing was fairly common when I was a kid, and until you inevitably rip the parachute, these sorts of toys were fun to drop on unsuspecting relatives who may or may not be nazi sympathizers.
Every once in a while, a product comes along that I wish I’d invented. Such as is the case today:
See, I thought it was cutting edge to give somebody a CD and put it in a dishwasher box that included a printer paper box full of rocks… Well, these prank gift boxes have handed me my ASS! I salute you, my betters. Well done.
That’s right, you heard me: glow in the dark Christmas necklaces, in case you’re going to a Christmas themed rave. You can represent, reindeer or Christmas tree style.
Oh, and I know the weather outside is frightful, but damn it, you can keep your lips mother fuckin’ DELIGHTFUL with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer lip balm! Choose from Rudolph’s Red Berry or the Bumble’s (that’s the abominable snow man to you and me) Watermelon!
So, just when you’d thought you’d seen every possible Christmas product, every licensed product that could ever be – BOOM! Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer lip balm! Bet you didn’t see that coming.
This looks like fun, right? I like the idea of playing air hockey on an ordinary table. But it’s so much more than that – it has so much to teach us!
It turns out that Air Hockey games think we’re all idiots. Check this out:
Display all of your holiday cards by using ribbon, tape and wooden clothespins to hang them or decorate your stairwell.
Well we never would have figured that one out, would we? Brilliant! That is Yoda like wisdom!
Build a gingerbread house and use that as your holiday table centerpiece.
Oh, that is an amazing suggestion! Because there’s nothing easier than building a gingerbread house, but see, we screw up when we just start devouring the damn thing the second we’re finished constructing it!
Buy solid-colored wrapping paper and markers to decorate each present with a personalized holiday design.
What year do you think it is, Air Hockey game? 1991? Are we trying to make everything funky fresh or something? That is the lamest idea ever.
Anyway, I was going to buy this until I found their crappy advice on the back, so now I’ll never know how well it works.
As promised, here is some video of the Santa toy that wears fatigues and sings “God Bless the USA” along with some singing Christmas hats. These aren’t the sort of Christmas products I would buy for myself or anyone in my family (including our roster of veterans), but that’s just me.
Let’s talk about the hats for a sec. What the hell is the Christmas tree doing? Is it drunk on Christmas cheer? Is it doing its impression of a drunken hula dancer? I don’t know. And the Santa hat moves at speeds that puts my windshield wipers to shame. So… Merry Christmas, I guess.
Read more Christmas Posts
I know, your mind has been blown. Mine has too. Officially licensed Monty Python products… and it’s the Holy Grail. This gift set includes both Holy Ail and the a Holy Grail Chalice to drink it from! That is indeed a mighty present.
But the fun doesn’t stop there!
We all know that Chanukah is the festival lights, and now, as the box suggests, we can all get lit!
What a joyous time of year!
I am continuing to age, as we all do. Exactly why I’m so surprised about licensed property Christmas stockings, I can’t really explain, but suffice to say, putting your name on the damned thing was state of the art when I was a wee lad. Iron Man just wasn’t an option.
The licensed property Christmas stockings don’t upset me, but… I don’t know. They sure are something, I will say that..
Yep, thats what’s going on here -.Santa has no legs and this Christmas decoration officially freaks me out. There are only two applications for this Christmas decoration: on a table or perched in an awkward indoor sled scene. Either way, olde timey Santa gives me the willies.