Archive for ‘music reviews’

January 7, 2012

Nirvana: Debunking the Myth

by Jamie Insalaco
kurt-cobain-t-shirt

We need t-shirts? It's not like the guy was the successor to John Lennon or something.

After the 20th anniversaries of Pearl Jam’s Ten and Nirvana’s Nevermind passed, this brought back the debate:  Pearl Jam or Nirvana?  For me, this is an easy question – Pearl Jam, without question.  I listened to seemingly endless arguments both in person and on the radio and I was frustrated to hear those that preferred Nirvana speak so passionately and yet say little besides, “Kurt Cobain was a visionary” or “innovative” and not really speak to the overall quality (or, in my view, lack there of) concerning Nirvana’s catalog of songs.  (I particularly get frustrated when Cobain would play a guitar solo simply using the melody from the verse…  see “Teen Spirit” and just about every other Nirvana song that features a guitar solo except “In Bloom.”)

The more I studied up on Pearl Jam and Nirvana, the more I realized that the question itself was fundamentally flawed:  we shouldn’t be asking ourselves who we prefer between Pearl Jam and Nirvana, but instead, who we prefer between Nirvana and Green Day.  These two groups have much more in common musically than either of them has with Pearl Jam, including their lineup construction, song lengths and musical styles.  After all, the observation that Nirvana is some strange combination of The Ramones style and Metallica’s sound thrown in a blender is the most astute description I’ve ever heard of the band.  All Nirvana and Pearl Jam really have in common is origin of location, but their sounds couldn’t be any more different.  Nirvana’s “Smells like Teen Spirit” is way more similar to Green Day’s “Welcome to Paradise” than it is to any Pearl Jam song.

I started thinking about Nirvana again after I saw The Muppets new movie – I loved the barbershop quartet’s interpretation of “Teen Spirit” and Jack Black’s frustration that they were “ruining one of the greatest songs of all time,” which I hope was meant in jest as that’s what made it so funny.  To me, the scene perfectly encapsulated the obsession we have with Nirvana and all its morbid glory.

Which brings me to the Deification and Nostalgic Value of Kurt Cobain.  I don’t think Generation X and Y folks like myself are quite old enough to shout at the kids, “In my day, we didn’t have no Gagas or Timberlakes – we listened to Nirvana and it was revolutionary!” but there is certainly some nostalgic value to be had with Nirvana – it’s really the only thing that keeps me going back, as opposed to Pearl Jam songs from that era (or any era), which I genuinely enjoy listening to on multiple levels.  And, of course, Kurt Cobain’s death turned him into a deity of sorts; after his passing, the accolades and the awards flowed.  (My personal favorite was Rolling Stone ranking him as the 12th Greatest Guitarist of All Time.  It’s not like the guy invented root 5 barre cords or distortion or something, and since that’s pretty much all he had in his arsenal, it’s hard to consider a guitar playing award for someone who barely played guitar seriously.)

When it comes to Nirvana albums, I remember a few songs, not albums as collections that captured the group during that moment in time, because basically, all their albums sound the same.  I really like “Heart Shaped Box” on In Utero and “All Apologies” is the best take away from Nevermind, but I find the albums forgettable – a few good tunes, but nothing that grabs me from beginning to end.  (I can’t remember any songs from Bleach off the top of my head.)  It’s no wonder that their unplugged concert was so popular – they played covers like David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World” or The Meat Puppets “Plateau,” which were, for me, the highlights of the show.

I always hear people talk about how ‘raw’ Nirvana’s sound was, but when you listen to their albums, they’re very produced – in fact, I think Nirvana was often produced to a fault.  Take a song like “In Bloom.”

Everything is so repetitious and precise – if Dave Grohl does that drum fill at the end of the chorus one more time I’m going to loose my mind!

I’ll defend Pearl Jam to the grave, but if someone of a different geneartion came along and said, “All the music from when you were a kid sucks.  Nirvana blows!”  I would point out one or two songs but basically agree.  When I compare them to their peers, I just don’t feel that Nirvana’s best album is as good as the worst album by Stone Temple Pilots or Pearl Jam – of course, I’ll take anything over American Idiot.  These are much better bands with much better songs on much better albums.

And speaking of STP, that’s a much better comparison to Pearl Jam than Nirvana.

kurt-cobain-dress

And remember, this guy in the evening dress apparently didn't like attention.

Bud don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate Nirvana, I just think they get undue praise.  And check out this video – this is one of the worst things to ever happen to a song ever.  Talk about rolling over in your grave.

You have to go to YouTube to watch this, and it’s almost worth it.  Look how she’s dancing…  what… what is that?  And she’s a woman and she’s singing it in the same key as Kobain…  is this to show us her range or because she has nothing new to offer?  Different topic for a different day…

more Music Reviews at creativejamie.com/category/music-reviews/

January 5, 2012

5 Classic Rap Albums You Must Own

by Jamie Insalaco

I’m sure plenty of quality wrap music has been produced in the last decade or so, but I’m still stuck in the 90s.  Here are (in no particular order) 5 Classic Rap Albums You Must Own!

bacdafucup-onyx

Bacdafucup – Onyx

My personal favorite rap album of all time and one of the best produced albums you’ll ever hear, Bacdafucup is 18 tracks of awesome sauce that does not quit.  “Throw Ya Gunz,” “Slam,” “Stik ‘N’ Muve,” “Shifftee,” and “Phat (‘N’ All Dat)” are my picks, but really, there are no bad tracks on this album.  The production is so awesome on this album that it defies words – you simply have to hear it.  However, stay away from YouTube so you can avoid the PG version of “Da Nex Niguz,” which I wish someone would have talked Onyx out of.  Buy this album!

the-chronic-dr-dre

The Chronic – Dr. Dre

The Doctor is in!  “Let Me Ride,” “Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang,” “Deeez Nuuuts,” “Rat-Tat-Tat-Tat,” and the amazing skit “The $20 Sack Pyramid” are just a few of the tracks on this album that kick serious ass.  The entire album is super smooth and still fun to listen to.

 

doggystyle-snoop-dogg

Doggystyle – Snoop Dogg

The Yang to The Chronic’s Ying, Doggystyle is the true coming of the Dogfather.  Snoop is one of those guys who is not only talented, but blessed with an amazing voice – I’d listen to this guy read the fine print of my car insurance.  “Gin and Juice,”  “Lodi Dodi,” “”Murder Was the Case,” and “Who Am I (What’s My Name)?” are just a few of the amazing tracks on Snoop Dogg’s first album.

 

enter-the-wu-tang-wu-tang-clan

Enter The Wu-Tang – Wu-Tang Clan

First of all, Wu-Tang Clan is about the best name for a musical group anyone has ever come up with.  I know, I know, it’s a reference to the 1978 film The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, but it’s still great.  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit,” “C.R.E.A.M.,” “Method Man,” and “Shame on a Nigga” are all amazing tracks.  “C.R.E.A.M.” is practically religious doctrine for me – I will debate my stance that this is one of the most important songs of the decade all night long with anyone who agrees, just so it can be clear how great this song is – so imagine how I react if you disagree.

cypress-hill-black-sunday

Black Sunday – Cypress Hill

It might be a bit front loaded, but Black Sunday is pretty great.  “I Wanna Get High,” “I Ain’t Goin’ out Like That” and “Insane in the Brain” are all classics.  Cypress Hill avoided the sophomore slump in a big way.

more Lists at creativejamie.com/category/lists/

more Music Reviews at creativejamie.com/category/music reviews/

December 8, 2011

7 Bands You Won’t Believe Aren’t In The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

by Jamie Insalaco

The next class to be inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has been announced, and I don’t have much to say in the way of complaints with the list:

  1. Guns N’ Roses
  2. Red Hot Chili Peppers
  3. The Beastie Boys
  4. Donovan
  5. Laura Nyro
  6. The Small Faces/The Faces

I’m a little suspicious that Guns N’ Roses making it into the Hall on the first try; it’s not that I think they don’t belong, but instead, I’m suspicious of the quicky induction.  I smell dollar signs… that is, if Axl Rose and Slash can put their differences aside and play at the ceremony.  The Small Faces/The Faces thing is kinda weird – sure, they’re related bands, but they played different styles of music with different front men… but whatever.

I don’t get too bent out of shape about who the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is inducting because those that don’t get the nod invalidates the whole idea to begin with.  Here are 7 bands (in no particular order) you won’t believe aren’t in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

1.  Genesis

Sad but true.  Both incarnations of Genesis are awesome!

2.  Kansas

Carry on Wayward Sun?  Dust in the Wind?  Hello?  These songs aren’t good enough for your crappy hall?

3.  The Moody Blues

I’m not a huge fan, but I won’t deny the The Moody Blues.  They’re pretty awesome – everybody likes Knights in White Satin, don’t they?

4.  Kiss

I’m pretty sure I’m the only American who doesn’t like Kiss, but again, I won’t deny them.  How can friggin Kiss not be in the Hall?  Kiss is practically a religion in this country!

5.  Rush

Un-frigging-believable! No Rush?  This must be some sort of racist bias against Canadians at the the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

6.  Yes

This one hurts too much to talk about.

7.  Iron Maiden

Again, I’m not a huge fan, but come on – it’s Iron Maiden!  You can’t deny this sound.  This was the official way to scare the shit out of the elderly in the 1980s.  Iron Maiden is an institution – keeping them out is absurd.

more Lists at creativejamie.com/category/lists/

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September 21, 2011

The most influential person in music over the last 25 years

by Jamie Insalaco

The advent of digital music and the MP3 digital music format has changed music in ways its inventors could never have forseen.  Strangely, the inventors of the new medium aren’t nearly as important as the man who brought the MP3 into our lives.

The MP3 took many years and people to develop.  I once heard one of the project leaders say they thought they were done, but the A Capella intro to the song Tom’s Diner by Suzanne Vega gave them a lot of trouble.  Yet I can’t name a single member of the team or anyone else that contributed to the MP3, but Shawn Fanning’s Napster dropped the technology right into our laps.

I decided I wanted to write something about Napster after WNYC’s Sound Check gave their own The most influential person in music over the last 25 years award to Steve Jobs for the iPod.  I don’t think I was aware of compressed digital music before Napster and the idea that the means of making the MP3 portable is more important than the format itself is hard for me to swallow.  The guy who brought me the format is more important than the guy who made it easier to haul around.

June 23, 2011

Alanis Morissette is Ironic

by Jamie Insalaco

If you’re not old enough to remember Alanis Morissette at the height of her career as a pop star, I hate you.  And seriously, what are you doing on the internet without your parents’ permission.  Anyway, just to clarify, Alanis Morissette was a big deal back in the 1990s.  In the early 90s, she had this Tiffany-esque thing going (You don’t know who Tiffany was?  1980s pop star, sings at the mall, you know, Tiffany!  No?  Ugh, I hate you.) and was fairly unknown outside of Canada, but then she met producer Glen Ballard, and as with everything he touches, Alanis turned to gold… unless you’re like me and not a big fan of his pop sensibilities, but whatever.  In any case, they wrote her next album, Jagged Little Pill together and away she went.  The album’s first single, “You Oughta Know,” blew up after an influential Los Angeles DJ started running it into the ground, and the video got everbody’s attention right away.


Alanis:  Will she go down on you in a theater?
Me:  Why a theater?  Can’t we get it done before or after the show?
If you’re like me, you don’t like to be interrupted while you’re watching a movie – especially in a theater.

Anyway, Alanis got our attention when she started singing about performing fellatio at the cinema, and her follow up singles continued to beat us into Alanis-submission, including “Hand In My Pocket,” “Head Over Feet,” “You’ll Learn,” and “Ironic.”  Before you know it, Jagged Little Pill was the most overplayed album since Nevermind (You know, Nirvana!  You can’t pretend you don’t know who Nirvana is because radio stations are still running this album into the ground – take that, kids!), and I often wondered if even Alanis was sick of it.  She’s still recording – in April  of 2010, Alanis released the song “I Remain,” which she wrote for The Price Of Persia:  The Sands of Time soundtrack…  and everybody liked that movie for not being racist, right?  Then in May, she performed, “You Oughta Know” with the American Idol runner up, Crystal Bowersox… so that’s… you know…  uhm, she’s doing… uhm… good.

Years later, Alanis and I had a series of conversations concerning a number of different topics, some of which we have compiled into a book.  Today, I’d like to share an excerpt with you from one of the chapters that covers a conversation we had about grammar.

"It's like raaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaan." ~NY Times

ME:  Real quick, just to get this out of the way – you’re vegan, right?

ALANIS:  Yes, I am.

ME:  Awesome.  I just want to be clear that being vegan automatically makes you awesome, no matter where we go from here.  But let’s get the interview started.  Would it be OK if we talked about “Ironic” today?

ALANIS:  Sure – how ironic that you’d want to talk about that song!

ME:  Ha!  You’re way ahead of me…  Let’s take a look at the lyrics.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay
It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…”
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you’re already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think
A little too ironic…and, yeah, I really do think…

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

ME:  And, if we could just take a quick look at the definition of irony…  The good people at Merriam-Webster define irony as -

ALANIS:  A comparison using ‘like’ or ‘as!’

ME:  That’s a simile.

ALANIS:  Oh.

ME:  Merriam-Webster define irony as “a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning.”

ALANIS:  Say what now?

ME:  Fair enough, that’s a bit long winded – lets just say that irony is when you get the exact opposite of what was intended… let’s say you build a wall to protect your house from being destroyed by whatever, but then the wall falls down because you did a shoddy job of building it and destroys your house anyway – that’s ironic.

ALANIS:  I’m with you.

ME:  Great!  So please explain why the following is ironic:  An old man turned ninety-eight/He won the lottery and died the next day

ALANIS:  Because he was old and as soon as he got money, he died.

ME:  Right, more situational irony… but the problem is, I don’t have enough information about the old man to know if the situation is ironic or not.

ALANIS:  What more do you need?  He’s old, got money and immediately died.  That’s ironic.

ME:  No, that sucks, it’s not ironic.  Now if he was an old man who was poor his whole live, played the lottery everyday of his adult life and always wanted to be rich – if he  turned ninety-eight, won the lottery and died the next day, that would be ironic.

ALANIS:  That doesn’t rhyme with ‘Chardonnay.’

ME:  I guess it doesn’t.  And about that:  It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay/It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late – how are either of those things ironic?  And do flies come in other colors besides black?

ALANIS:  The fly ruined the expensive drink – and if the guy on death row doesn’t get pardoned until after he’s executed, that -

ME:  Sucks.  Both of those things suck.  They’re not ironic.

ALANIS:  What about [singing] raaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaan on your wedding day?

ME:  Hm… that’s actually a tough one.  My off the cuff reaction is to say its not ironic… yeah, I’m sticking with that.  You didn’t provide enough information.  If the ceremony was planned for months to be outside in a beautiful garden and it rained…  no, I think that still just sucks and is not ironic.  Sorry.

ALANIS:  Who would’ve thought?  It figures.

ME:  And what’s the deal with this?  I don’t even know what to make of it.

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…”

ALANIS:  He was always afraid to fly, and when he finally did fly, the plane crashed, but he enjoyed it.  That’s ironic.

ME:  He was killed by his greatest fear… just like Richie Valens.  Hey, did two planes collide over Mr. Play It Safe’s junior high school yard?  That’s why Valens was afraid to fly.  So it’s ironic because he was always afraid to die but when it actually happened, he wasn’t scared at all?

ALANIS:  What you just said.

ME:  Hmm…  I guess I’ll let that one slide, mostly because I have no idea what’s going on.

ALANIS:  [singing It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid/ It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take

ME:  Right, I forgot about the rest of the chorus!  I don’t even know what “a free ride when you’ve already paid” could possibly mean, and I won’t bother guessing now -

ALANIS:  That’s probably for the best.

ME:  But how can “It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take” be ironic?  Isn’t that just a damn shame?  And frankly, I demand an explanation for this last verse – or, at least an apology.

A traffic jam when you’re already late

That sucks, it’s not ironic.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

This is one of your better ones, actually.  Not terrible.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

Again, your situational irony needs context and more details.

It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

Again, that sucks, it’s not ironic!

ALANIS:  Is there any time when a spoon is not ironic?

ME:  Well, maybe that spork thing at Taco Bell and KFC…  And what the hell is happening in this video?  Especially during the chorus – why are all of the yous freaking out?  Why is it ironic that you bought a cloning machine?


ALANIS:  The love scenes in Attack of the Clones are awesome!

ME:  What the hell is wrong with you?

Here’s an excerpt on the chapter from religion:

ME:  So, “One of us” was a big hit for you -

ALANIS:  That wasn’t me.  That song was written by written by Eric Bazilian and released by Joan Osborne.

ME:  Oh.  Did she have a nose ring?

Here’s an excerpt from the chapter on music:

ME:  So why does your music suck so bad, anyway?

ALANIS:  Two words:  Glen Ballard.  Did you ever hear that Dave Matthews Band album, Everyday?

ME:  More like EveryCRAPPYday.

ALANIS:  Exactly.  Ballard has this weird power to create mega hits that have absolutely no staying power whatsoever.

ME:  True that.

So yeah, it’s an interesting book.  We’ll both be signing copies of the book at the Paramus New Jersey Home Depot… because you’d expect a book store… and that’s ironic.  (Alanis’ idea, by the way.)

April 11, 2011

NO Jazz Fest

by Jamie Insalaco

NO Jazz Fest?  Got that right.

new-orleans-jazz-festival-arcade-fire

Fist to pop onto the site: Arcade Fire. Very Jazzy!
new-orleans-jazz-fest-bon-jovi-jimmy-buffett-kid-rock-john-mellencamp-wilco-the-neville-brothers

I kept waiting for jazz...

It might be of passing interest to note that the New Orleans Jazz Fest doesn’t seem to headline any jazz artists.  Don’t believe me?  Check out their website and watch the Jazz Fest Headliners image refresh a few times.

The artists load as follows:  Arcade Fire, Bon Jovi, Jimmy Buffett, Kid Rock, John Mellancamp, Wilco, The Neville Brothers (Wikipedia describes them as an American R&B and Soul group; close, not exactly jazz, but at least they’re from New Orleans) and so on.  See the complete list here.

Seriously?  Lauren Hill is also on the roster…  are any of the headliners jazz artists?  It looks like the answer is no – that’s eight different artists appearing at Jazz Fest, and I haven’t found a jazz artist yet, so I give up.  I don’t feel like this is akin to going to a flea market and complaining about a lack of fleas – it shouldn’t be this hard to find the thing you’re looking for when it’s name is in the title of the damn event!

Adding to the irony, the website is ‘nojazzfest.com‘ – sure, i know the ‘n’ and the ‘o’ stand for ‘New Orleans,’ but its funny that it reads ‘no jazz fest’ as it seems to be a festival that offers very little in the way of jazz.  Maybe they were going for a roster of musical artists who are fans of jazz rather than those that actually play jazz?  I’m no jazz expert, but maybe they could bring in somebody like John Pizzarelli or maybe David Sanborn… he counts as jazz, right?  Are either of those guys going to be there?  I don’t see them on the master list, so probably not – their music sounds too much like jazz!  More than likely, artists who are solicited to participate at Jazz Fest are probably chosen based on their ability to sell tickets rather than their musical style, and I don’t have any problem with that, but just don’t call the festival JAZZ FEST!

image at right: I kept waiting for a jazz artist to pop up, but I had to give up after a while.  Bon Jovi?  Are they effing kidding me?  With each new image, I died a little bit more inside.

March 25, 2011

Friday song review

by Jamie Insalaco

If you haven’t heard the song that’s tearing up YouTube entitled, “Friday” by Rebeca Black, then congratulations, you have a deeply fulfilling life.

The rest of us aren’t so lucky.  “Friday” is, in my mind, fairly standard in terms of the pop music that is targeted toward teens these days.  Yet it seems that the rest of the internet thinks this is the worst song in the history of recorded music. I don’t think it’s a good song, but I wouldn’t go as far as to call it the damnation of mankind that others have.  I think its equally bad when compared with other songs that make me want to gouge out my eardrums with a q-tip, so lets get our comparison on.

I’d say that “Friday” is comparable to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA;”  although ‘Friday’ is probably supposed to bring the teens to the dance floor, I’d guess that ‘Party’ is  something that hangs out in the background – until Old Navy licenses it for a Fourth of July sale commercial.  Other terrible songs that ‘Friday’ is worthy of being compared to includes (but not limited to) “Vertigo” by U2, “Beautiful Day” by U2 (to save time, lets just say anything U2 recorded after 1993), Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time,” and the list goes on.

Oh and speaking of crappy songs aimed at the kids, “Step By Step,” a New Kids On The Block jam, is obviously about coercing a woman to have sex – which either makes it an awful song or one of the greatest songs EVER WRITTEN. But that’s a blog for another day.  Still, it’s superior to Brian McKnight’s “Your Like A Dream Come True” which features the lyrics:

One:  you’re like a dream come true
Two:  just wanna be with you
Three:  girl its plain to see that you’re the only one for me and…
Four:  repeat step one through three

[record scratches] What?  “Repeat steps one through three?”  You lazy son of a bitch!  You couldn’t even be bothered to come up with five unique steps, only four?  (Step 5 is something about ‘make you fall in love with me.’  The use of the word ‘make’ is troubling, to say the least!)

I suppose it would be worthwhile to compare ‘Friday’ to other songs produced by Ark Music Factory, and most notably, ‘Butterflies‘ is a much better tune in every possible way (even the production on the video is better, if not weirder – what’s with the teacher?), but that’s akin to comparing one slice of pizza to another from the same pie.  Anyway, I’ll get to Ark later.

Let’s get back on track here and take a closer look at ‘Friday’ in its entirety.

Song Writing and Lyrics:
In terms of song writing, ‘Friday’ is juvenile and lazy, but at least I can understand what she’s saying and it makes sense – there is a great deal of ‘Party in the USA’ where I have no idea what Hannah Montana is going on about, but then, for me, that’s sort of the best of both worlds…  [ba-doom-crash]

Yesterday is Thursday
Today is Friday
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwords

See what I mean?  Sure, its an AWFUL lyric, but all you can really do is shake your head and say, “I can’t argue with that.”  If today is Friday, then, by default, tomorrow must be Saturday, and as we all know, Sunday does in fact come afterwords. Essentially, this little break in the song is like a course in basic logic.

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

I think she’s probably right about that.  Even the kids who like school are probably ready for a break by Friday.  So uhm, yeah.  In related news, the sky is blue, grass is green and sand comes in a variety of shades, ranging from yellow to off-white.

Beyond the lyric’s path of reason and if-then schematics, we also get to see how Rebecca Black tackles her morning routine:

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends


Nothing too exciting happening; maybe if something happened here instead of nothing (The cereal could be stale, she could be out of cereal, she could trip on the way to the bus stop and all of her ‘friends’ laugh…), it would be a better song, but I get the impression that Rebecca Black didn’t write the song in the first place – we’ll get to that in a minute.

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

I’m sure we all remember how turbulent the teen years of our lives were (And if you’re a teen now, I feel sorry for you, because you’re facing challenges I never could have dreamed of… cyber bulling?  Shizzy-lickets, that’s some crazy shiz!); just a lot going on, your brain is literally not finished developing – I’d forgotten what a pain in the ass being a teenager was.  If trying to decide which seat you have to sit in is the hardest part of your day, consider yourself lucky.  On the other hand, I’m sure we all remember the social consequences of where we sat in classrooms, cafeterias, and of course, buses.  Oh, and where to sit in your thirteen year old friend’s convertible.  Man, that was a tough decision for me to make way back when!

Vocal Ability and Diction:
It’s fair to say that Ms. Black’s vocal performance isn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever heard, but then, people are using live auto tune processing these days, so it’s hard to harp on her too much for that and after all, it’s pop music – I don’t think anybody really tunes into to pop music to appreciate the immense talent of the artist.  Again, going back to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA,” during which I can hardly understand what she’s saying – what the hell comes after, “Throw my hands up, playing my song?”   But admittedly, Ms. Cyrus gives a much better vocal performance than Ms. Black could ever hope to.  And what’s with the weird articulation on the word ‘Friday?”  It sounds like she’s chewing on the word, like one of my dogs ripping the cover off a baseball.

The Video:
The video is…  actually, from a production standpoint, it’s a pretty good video.  It’s well edited, has nice image quality, the shots have nice composition, the sync with the music is good, the camera moves are nice, the lighting is not great, but it’s decent… I can’t figure out what 13 year old kids are doing driving convertibles…  but beyond that, it’s a solid little video.

Impressions of Rebeca Black:
Not much to say here; obviously she’s not a great singer, and she either wasn’t given the opportunity or can’t dance, and in pop music, that counts.  If you’re going to compare teenage pop stars, you pretty much have to hold them to the highest standard there is, and that’s a young Michael Jackson of the Jackson Five, and… well, it’s not worth going into that comparison.
Impressions of Ark Music Factory:
My understanding is that if you give Ark $2000 bucks, they’ll let you choose from a few pre-written songs, record that song with you and then produce a companion music video.   I believe they also provide the guy who raps (badly) as a… bonus, I guess.  He’s their in-house MC… can you imagine going to the water cooler at work and that guy is there, just rapping all the time?  “Hey Jamie/See you’re here getting some water/Could I introduce you to my daughter?/She needs a date for the big dance/We think you deserve a chance!/But remember-” At that point, I’d just punch him in the face.  Whatever, I’d rather go to prison than have to work with that guy and his cliche rapping one more day…  (Sorry, lost track of reality for a second there.)

In any case, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ark was charging $2000 for just the video production, never mind song writing and recording.  Ever done any video editing?  It’s a pain in the ass, not to mention shooting the video.  (And you know what’s an even bigger pain in the ass?  Mixing recorded audio.  For me, editing video is a labor of love, but mixing audio is the product of the God Damn DEVIL.  It’s tedious as hell and I suck at it.  HARD.  So whatever the guy who is mixing the audio gets paid, it’s not enough – unless he gets to keep all of the $2000 for himself.)  Sure, the song is poorly written, but the sound quality is OK, so they must have decent recording gear… this stuff is not free, so to those that insist Rebecca Black got ripped off, I don’t agree.  I bet the recording and filming process was fun for Ms. Black…  although having thousands of people tell you they think you suck via the internet probably isn’t that much fun.

The thing that shocks me the most about the entire Ark Music Factory catalog that’s out there is the shocking lack of parental accountability.  Once you buy an experience like this for your kid, you have to realize that if their wheels weren’t already turning about being a famous teen pop star, they are now.  I mean, let’s be honest: if a kid has legit talent, they’d be out there, winning competitions, going on auditions and would not be relying on layers upon layers of auto tune.  That is not the case with Ark’s client base, so we seem to have wandered into an area of self published music, much like self published novels, which are almost always awful.  But that’s fine, I don’t have any problem with self publishing, but when it’s a kid…  I’m not sure it is ever a good idea for kids to be involved in this sort of venture, whether as a signed or self published artist.  Again, being a teen is a pain in the ass, and frankly, if you ask a kid, “You want to go to school or try to be a teen pop sensation?”  Which one of those options do you think the kid is going to pick?  Kids can’t make that decision for themselves; the parents need to be involved.  Giving Ark $2000 for the package was one thing, but putting it on YouTube for the world to see…  this probably wasn’t a good idea.  If you go onto the internet and invite people into your life, believe me, they’re going to show up, and odds are, the evil internet trolls are going to make ‘telling it like it is’ look like ‘constructive criticism.’  I bet you’ve been to a little league game and seen a kid swing at a ball right down the middle and miss, then the coach said, “Good swing,” and you’re thinking, “What?  That kid sucks.”  Except you thought it, right?  That’s not how it works on the internet.  Sure, most people still think the criticism, but there is a much greater percentage of people who will tell you in no uncertain terms that, ‘YOU SUCK, YOU’RE THE WORST HITTER/SINGER EVER, EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IS NOW DUMBER FOR HAVING WITNESSED THIS; I AWARD YOU NO POINTS AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL.’  (That’s right, they’ll work movie quotes into their insults.)

Yeah, that’s what tends to happen on the internet; even if you do something well, there’s still a bunch of trolls who will show up and tear you to shreds.  Imagine what its like when you actually do suck?  It’s happening to Ms. Black right now.  Still, she’s not the worst ever, but she’s on my list somewhere between, “Party all the time,” and “Hello, hello! Hola!  There’s a place called vertigo!  Donde esta?  It’s everything i wish i didn’t know.  You give me something, I can feel.  Yeah Yeah Yeah…”

On second thought, “Vertigo” is probably worse than “Friday.”  Suck on that, Bono.

November 19, 2010

Drama: Understanding the Three Act Formula

by Jamie Insalaco

drama masksI’ve created a few companion posts to go along with my reviews:  a rating system and a spoiler alert warning.  Now, I’m ready to take it a step further and explain what I mean when I reference Act 1, Act 2 or Act 3 in a review.

When I say ‘drama,’ I’m not just referring to a specific genre; all stories have drama.  When I reference an ‘Act,’ I understand your mind may immediately jump to theater, but the three act system of story structure is relevant to all mediums.  In the simplest terms, Act 1 is the beginning, Act 2 is the middle and Act 3 is the end.  Each act has to accomplish specific goals:

batman beginsACT 1: you meet all of the characters and learn about the central conflict that drives the story.
EXAMPLE:  In Batman Begins, we meet Bruce Wayne, Rachel Dawes, Alfred Pennyworth and other characters and learn about the central conflict that drives the movie:  Bruce’s parents were murdered in front of him when he was a child.  To reconcile this conflict, Bruce becomes Batman and begins working on bringing justice to Gotham City’s criminal underworld.

ACT 2: the main character(s) is thrust into the worst possible situation they could be in.
EXAMPLE:  Batman Begins – Bruce’s house is burned down, all the criminals break out of jail and Ra’s al Ghul is going to release his fear toxin on Gotham City.

ACT 3: the main character gets out of the horrible situation.
EXAMPLE:  Batman Begins - Batman beats Ra’s al Ghul and is confident that they’ll pick up the remaining criminals still at large.  Bruce begins rebuilding his house.

It’s that simple:  conflict, conflict inside of conflict, resolution.  Let’s try it again, but this time with a comedy:

The 40 Year Old Virgin

the 40 year old virginACT 1:  Andy is a lonely and in some ways juvenile man and at 40, has never had sex.  To address this conflict, Andy  starts dating and meets Trish, who he quickly falls for.  Although Andy hides his virginity from Trish, they decide to wait 30 dates before having sex.

ACT 2:  Trish and Andy fight when Trish attempts to initiate sex and Andy is still afraid and hasn’t told her he’s a virgin.  When she arrives at his apartment, she finds a box filled with pornography that she assumes is Andy’s property and Trish is angrier still and storms out.

ACT 3:  Andy reveals to Trish that he’s a virgin and not some pornographic crazed psycho killer.  Andy and Trish get married and have sex, ending Andy’s virginity.

A good story should have characters that grow and change throughout the story.  As the conflict resolves, they’re not the people they were when the story began; this is because what happened in Act 2 was so stressing that they had to react to it in Act 3, hence they come out different on the other side.

Hope this was helpful!

November 9, 2010

reviews rating system

by Jamie Insalaco

While I won’t give every book, comic book, movie review or music review a score, I will, at times, break out the old Reviews Rating System.  It’s a 1 through 5 system, 1 being the worst, 5 being the best and may your respective Deity help us if I have to issue someone a zero.  If you’re worried about spoilers or just don’t want to read the review, scroll through the post quickly and you’ll see the score, big as life.

example:

My Rating:  2.5 out of 5

I will try to stick to whole numbers, but I’m not making any promises. Check out the reviews rating system in action at my Rambo post.

  • 1 = incomprehensible:  like sitting in traffic, going to the dentist or watching Hulk Hogan in Suburban Commando… or Thunder in Paradise.  I get chills just thinking about it…
  • 2 = bad:  the plot feels like something out of the Twilight series
    “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured.
    I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
    “What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.
    “What a sick ,masochistic lion.”
    Damn you, tweens!  “As I thrilled to the word?”  Wow.  That’s epic.  She used ‘thrill’ as a verb without an object. That’s great writing.  Just.  Fucking.  Great.  Twilight.
  • 3 = average:  it wasn’t great, but it had a beginning, middle and end.
  • 4 = good:  better than most, but no one is going to study it for hundreds of years
  • 5 = excellent:  you’d sell your grandmother’s false teeth for it
November 8, 2010

spoiler alert

by Jamie Insalaco

What’s a spoiler alert?  Any time you see the spoiler alert image

spoiler alert

 

in one of my posts, you know I’m about to give away crucial information that could ruin the fun for you in some way.  Sometimes this is OK; you have no intention of seeing that movie, reading that book or comic book, listening to that album… what have you.  But, I do think it’s important that I point it out before I do it.

To see a spoiler alert in action, check out my review of Rambo.

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