Category Archives: christmas

christmas and holiday posts

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (quick movie review)

die-hard-2-die-harderDie Hard week continues as we anticipate the opening of A Good Day to Die Hard on Thursday, after which we’ll have to incorporate “yippee ki yay mother Russia” into the pop culture lexicon. Today, we’re taking a look at Die Hard 2, which I assume everyone has seen at this point, so this is more of a Die Hard 2 points of interest post rather than a full movie review.

Let’s quickly address this title situation:  is it Die Hard 2, Die Harder, or Die Hard 2:  Die Harder?  Well, I’ve seen all three on official documents (posters, VHS, DVD, Blu Ray), but when the movie starts, it proclaims that the movie is called Die Hard 2, so that’s what I call it… except in the title of this post…  Yeah, I have no idea what the actual title is.

As I mentioned in the Die Hard review, the film series had a short-lived accidental tradition of an actor playing a cop in the movie and then getting a similar acting job on a TV show.  In the first installment, that honor falls to Reginald VelJohnson in the role of Sgt. Al Powell (who reprises his role in Die Hard 2), who went on to star in Family Matters as Sgt. Carl Winslow, and in this flick, it’s Dennis Franz as Captain Carmine Lorenzo, who goes on to play the famous Det. Andy Sipowicz on NYPD Blue.

And, like the first Die Hard, Dies Hard 2 takes place at Christmas time, but it doesn’t seem to have the same “Let’s watch this movie at Christmas time!” cult status that the first one does.  Again,  I’ve written about this phenomenon before, and I don’t understand why the first one made the holiday cut and the second one didn’t, but there you go.  (Actually, it might have something to do with the naked kata at the beginning of the flick…  No matter how well toned the ass is, naked kata doesn’t exactly shout, “Merry Christmas!”)

Die Hard 2 has its moments, but it’s just too much like the first one, and not nearly as good – and the movie references the first movie so many times that it’s silly.  I give Die Hard 2 a 7 out of 10.  It’s worth a watch, but it’s nothing special.

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Die Hard (quick movie review)

die-hardAt this point, I’m sure you’ve all seen Die Hard.  It’s an action classic and the flick propelled Bruce Willis to a super star status that few actors have ever achieved.  (Oh, and it established Alan Rickman as a go to bad guy for Hollywood – even if it didn’t last that long.)  But the point is, this movie is awesome, and if you’ve never seen it, you need to stop reading this and go check it out.

The first Die Hard began the short-lived tradition of an actor playing a cop in the movie and then getting a similar acting job on a TV show.  In the first installment, that honor falls to Reginald VelJohnson in the role of Sgt. Al Powell (who reprises his role in Die Hard 2), who went on to star in Family Matters as Sgt. Carl Winslow.

Of course, that’s not the only tradition Die Hard has inspired as people always watch this movie at Christmas time… because the movie takes place at Christmas time, I guess.  I’ve written about this phenomenon before, and I still don’t understand it.  And, even more curious, no one watches the second Die Hard at Christmas time… but I’ll get why that might be when I review that flick.

Die Hard is great – sure, some of the characters are silly (Richard Thornburg, played by William Atherton, who plays Walter Peck in Ghostbusters the exact same way) or flat, but it’s fun, the camera work is great and the explosions, gun fire and blood look fantastic.   Oh, and for no reason, there are topless women (and pictures of topless women) in this movie, so you really can’t go wrong.  I give Die Hard a 9 out of 10.

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9 Nerdy Christmas Gifts I Received

I hope everybody had a great Christmas – I sure did, as you will see.  Whoever said it is better to give than to receive didn’t get these nerdy Christmas gifts that prove once and for all that some people just get me.  Here’s what I got in no particular order:

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Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus (quick movie review)

Like Arthur Christmas, Steve Guttenberg is about to become Santa Claus because his Dad is retiring – and, like The Santa Claus 2, he has to get married. And, like the lesser known Finding Mrs. Claus (oh, I’ll get to that one!), he has to go out to the real world to meet a bride because… humans and elfs don’t breed? I guess. It’s fair to say that Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus isn’t the most original movie

So, Armin Shimerman (Quark from Star Trek) is the elf in charge of getting Steve Guttenberg’s Nick hitched, and he furnishes him a list of potential fiances, who all happen to live in southern California. We never get to meet any of these women as characters, but Nick quickly dismisses them all and meets Crystal Bernard (you know, she played what’s her name on Wings) and she casts him in a commercial that her advertising agency is working on for a big new client. Anyway, Guttenberg works his ass off in this movie as reminder to everyone that he can actually act and continually does a hilarious "ho ho ho!" sort of laugh every once in a while just to remind the audience that he’s Santa Claus. There’s an ENDLESS amount of product placements in this movie, although coke and pizza hut are the most obvious and overall, the movie is nothing special. I give it a 5 out of 10.

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The Mistle-Tones (quick movie review)

Tia Mowry faces off against cardboard cutout villain Tori Spelling in The Mistle-Tones, a somewhat self-aware comedy that is billed as a musical but is completely and totally not a musical in any way. I know, the trailer says it’s a musical in the first five seconds, but it’s not a musical. They never sing as a means of communication or about the plot and never spontaneously break out into song – they’re always rehearsing for a singing showdown that will determine who will perform at a mall on Christmas Eve. Some of the arrangements of Christmas classics are impressive (particularly The Twelve Days of Christmas – this is one of the few renditions that didn’t make me want to stick a fork in my eyes), but at times, it’s just a bunch of people singing in unison, which was an odd choice. There are a few bits that don’t make much sense – like where the hell did that parade float come from? And I guess some of the other oddness is Christmas magic… Also, you can smell the Glee all over this flick, and not in a good way.

Anyway, settle down with a few spiked soy nogs and remember that Tia Mowry has a smile that can’t be matched and forget that her life goals are sorely misguided (now have another spiked soy nog) and check out The Mistle-Tones, which I’m sure ABC Family will be running into the ground today and tomorrow. I give it a 6 out of 10.

Christmas Lights Necklace – lights up, too

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I don’t know much about lady’s apparel and accessories, nor do I have a good handle on what is acceptable attire for a Christmas party… I know the model is flashed out on the cardboard backing, but she looks like she’s going to a swinging Christmas party, if you follow my meaning.  Also, it should be noted that there is a decent sized battery pack that you’ll have to accommodate on the back of your neck, so that seems like fun, too.  So… I don’t know where I’m going with this, but this necklace is probably geared at twelve-year-old girls or… someone shady, I guess.

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Christmas Carousel

A headless rider on a Christmas Carousel?  Now that is some bone chilling stuff!

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Some coal for your stocking

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For those that want to follow through on the age-old threat of putting a lump of coal in someone’s Christmas stocking, now you can.  Sure, its gum, but I think the point will be made:  they’re on the naughty list.

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Mad Muttz – the toy that confirms I’m old

This holiday season, you might want to get the lil bastard in your life a Mad Muttz.  It’s a noise making dog toy kids can enjoy with their friends and you’ll despise for the rest of your life.

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I walked passed a display of these assholes and this guy, this fucking guy right here cut one of the loudest farts I’ve ever heard in my life.  I stopped and looked at that poor man’s Spuds Mckenzie and thought about telling him to stick it up his water bowl, but I decided it wasn’t with it.

Anyway, my intolerance for a farting dog toy cleary shows my age… As does the Spuds Mckenzie reference.

Arthur Christmas [quick movie review]

The first ten minutes (or so) of Arthur Christmas was fun! I loved seeing how Santa would operate in a modern world with an ever-expanding population. After that… it’s just a bunch of loathsome characters who all seem to be British but can’t find England. The only character I liked in the entire movie was the elf that wrapped presents. Otherwise, the flick is a disaster of a road movie during which the characters seem to get more and more detestable as they keep running into the same brick wall. It’s a boring trip with people you come to hate more and more with each passing minute. (There’s nothing fun about the Santa family using the elfs as a labor class – particularly since the elfs don’t seem to need the Santa family to accomplish the task of getting children Christmas presents. And that’s just the tip of the North Pole Ice Berg… Santa doesn’t know the names of the reindeer? Seriously? What an asshole. Oh, and I have no idea what the point was of them losing the reindeer one by one – it just made me feel like they didn’t really give a crap about them, because that plot thread didn’t really end up being of import as it wasn’t the lack of reindeer that did in the sleigh… blah.)

I see what they were trying to, but it just didn’t work. I give it a 3 out of 10.

Is that a Christmas tree under your dress, or are you just happy to see me?

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Nope, she’s not happy to see me – it is a Christmas tree.  My favorite thing about this is she’s not aware of the tree and Christmas presents.  (Or the birds that are decorating it, for that matter.)  She’s too busy reading a magazine.
That is awesome.

Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman Parachute in to save the day

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Yep, it’s Christmas paratroopers!  I guess this is left over from some company’s line of World War 2 Christmas toys…  Actually, this sort of thing was fairly common when I was a kid, and until you inevitably rip the parachute, these sorts of toys were fun to drop on unsuspecting relatives who may or may not be nazi sympathizers.

Prank Gift Box

Every once in a while, a product comes along that I wish I’d invented.  Such as is the case today:

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See, I thought it was cutting edge to give somebody a CD and put it in a dishwasher box that included a printer paper box full of rocks… Well, these prank gift boxes have handed me my  ASS!  I salute you, my betters.  Well done.

Can you handle glow in the dark Christmas necklaces and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer lip balm?

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That’s right, you heard me:   glow in the dark Christmas necklaces, in case you’re going to a Christmas themed rave.  You can represent, reindeer or Christmas tree style.

Oh, and I know the weather outside is frightful, but damn it, you can keep your lips mother fuckin’ DELIGHTFUL with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer lip balm!  Choose from Rudolph’s Red Berry or the Bumble’s (that’s the abominable snow man to you and me) Watermelon!

So, just when you’d thought you’d seen every possible Christmas product, every licensed product that could ever be – BOOM!  Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer lip balm!  Bet you didn’t see that coming.

Holiday Tips from an Air Hockey Game

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This looks like fun, right?  I like the idea of playing air hockey on an ordinary table.  But it’s so much more than that – it has so much to teach us!

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It turns out that Air Hockey games think we’re all idiots.  Check this out:

Display all of your holiday cards by using ribbon, tape and wooden clothespins to hang them or decorate your stairwell.

Well we never would have figured that one out, would we?  Brilliant!  That is Yoda like wisdom!

Build a gingerbread house and use that as your holiday table centerpiece.

Oh, that is an amazing suggestion!  Because there’s nothing easier than building a gingerbread house, but see, we screw up when we just start devouring the damn thing the second we’re finished constructing it!

Buy solid-colored wrapping paper and markers to decorate each present with a personalized holiday design.

What year do you think it is, Air Hockey game?  1991?  Are we trying to make everything funky fresh or something?  That is the lamest idea ever.

Anyway, I was going to buy this until I found their crappy advice on the back, so now I’ll never know how well it works.