Category Archives: a fly on the wall
Imagine you could be a fly on the wall during the craziest or most interesting conversations that may or may never have taken place!
Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. This time, we’ll use our fly power to listen in on the Jonas Brothers Breakup.
Ain’t no meeting like a Jonas Brothers meeting, cuz a Jonas Brothers meeting DON’T STOP!
Right – thanks for the enthusiasm, Joe. I appreciate you guys sitting down with me today.
Of course, man! [singing] You light up my world like nobody else!
That’s a One Direction song.
Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. Today, we’ll fly on over to hear a conference call that Vince Vaughn may have had with Luke Wilson and Will Ferrell and how this led to the filming of the new movie The Internship.
OK guys, I’ll get right to it. I just got out of the meeting with 20th Century Fox and it’s fair to say that they’re not excited about our idea to make a high risk, cutting edge comedy starring three guys in their forties.
Yeah, that sucks, but whatever, I’ll be fine.
That’s easy for you to say – I’m squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube over here!
There is good news: they do want to make a movie with us.
But not the movie we want to make.
No, they don’t want to make some bizarre novella parody flick where you speak Spanish phonetically for 90 minutes.
‘Casa’ means ‘house.’
What movie do they want to make? Not that I care, just out of curiosity.
Basically, they want us to make Old School 2. They saw the success that the flick had for Dreamworks, so they want to duplicate it.
I’m not. They’ve done some market research and they think the timing is right. The problem is, the studio doesn’t want to pay for the rights from Dreamworks, so they’re going with their own concept… sort of.
Which is what?
Well, they do own that Dodgeball flick I made, so they want to combine Old School with Dodgeball in a movie where we lead a rag tag group of Google interns to victory… victory meaning full time jobs at Google. It’s basically just a rehashing of movies I’ve already made, but with a Google product placement. Because nobody knows what Google is.
Look, Meeting Evil did OK, and I do have a tiny bit of pride left, so forget it. I don’t need this; I’ve got The Skeleton Twins coming out this year!
So you’re out?
Yes, definitely out.
Is your brother co starring in any stupid movie where he plays the wacky comic relief this week?
No, I’m pretty sure he’s free.
Beautiful – they’ll never know the difference, and if they do, I’ll just pop in Wedding Crashers and show them the insane profits me and Owen made for New Line. Will? You’re being awful quiet.
Vince, I love you, but I can’t star in this. I’ll do a couple of days on this flick like I did for Crashers, but that’s all I can do for you.
Awesome – hold on a sec, I need to tell my wife something…
Yeah, tell the crew they can start putting the new addition on to the house!
Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. This time, we’ll use our fly power to head over to Rush Limbaugh’s house and listen in on a conversation he may or may not of had with his producer.
RUSH: I told you not to equate me with those filthy Canadians! [sighs] I’m sorry I yelled; Tom Sawyer was a great American.
PRODUCER: You’re right on both counts. I know you’re under a lot of pressure right now.
RUSH: It’s been tough.
PRODUCER: You’ve done all you can do at this point. Let the story ride the waves onto the beach like the proverbial dying whale.
RUSH: I’m not sure I like that analogy.
PRODUCER: Under the circumstances…
RUSH: Let’s look at the segment one more time – I want to see where I went off the rails.
What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps.
I will buy all of the women at Georgetown University as much aspirin to put between their knees as they want!
[Rush stops the recording]
PRODUCER: Uhm… there?
RUSH: Well, certainly there. But perhaps before.
PRODUCER: Well, when you say, ‘off the rails,’ which rails do you mean?
RUSH: Good question – are we talking about my audience or anyone who might hear what I say?
PRODUCER: That’s the real trick, isn’t it?
RUSH: Exactly. As a talk show host, I have to entertain my audience, and my audience is made up of misogynists and racists, so I have to walk that line between whipping them up into a frenzy and not attracting the attention of the world at large.
PRODUCER: You have to wonder how your comments got beyond the show in the first place.
RUSH: Huh… well, maybe some members of my audience are only racists and not misogynists.
PRODUCER: Perhaps. So has the bleeding stopped?
RUSH: Not exactly. After the apology, we lost ProFlowers.
RUSH: I know, right? That’s seven total advertisers that have cancelled over this.
PRODUCER: Maybe you shouldn’t have said you’d just get new advertisers if they left.
RUSH: I had to – I didn’t apologize at first to appease my own audience and then I issued the apology to appease those who were offended. Shouldn’t everyone be happy now? I hung tough for a few days and then I knuckled under like the haters wanted me to. What else can I do?
PRODUCER: Well, it’s hard for people to understand how someone who’s been married four times and been to rehab three times can have these sort of backwards attitudes. Furthermore, they’d expect you to know more about sex… Your statements make it sound like you don’t know the difference between condoms and the pill or the fact that intercourse is possible while a woman’s knees are closed.
RUSH: Of course I know all of that! But my character doesn’t! What I know doesn’t make for compelling radio, what my character says does. If I really believed half of the things I said, I’m sure I would have wound up in an institution by now.
PRODUCER: [under his breath] Or a few of them.
RUSH: What’s that?
PRODUCER: Nothing, nothing. So the apology is made; all we can do is have accounts call around and try to drum up some new advertisers.
RUSH: Exactly. Always remember: Cash Rules Everything Around Me. CREAM, get the money. Dolla, Dolla bill, ya’ll.
PRODUCER: Tom Sawyer is fictional, by the way.
RUSH: And so am I.
Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. This time, we’ll use our fly power to head over to Michael Jordan’s house and listen in on a conversation he may or may not of had with his agent.
AGENT: Hey, there’s my guy! There’s my guy! How the hell are you, Michael?!?
MICHAEL: Doing well. Yourself?
AGENT: I am fantastic, Michael – I am fantastic because right now, I have in my possession two items: a gigantic check to you from Hanes and, of less importance, the commercials from the Flight #23 campaign.
MICHAEL: Nice! So you want to watch the spots or have a money fight?
AGENT: Can’t we do both?
MICHAEL: Ha! Yes, but just to make sure I don’t look like an asshole, let’s light up some cigars and watch the Hanes spots first.
MICHAEL: Didn’t have one line in that spot and I’m still awesome.
AGENT: Yeah… uhm, yeah… lets see the next one.
MICHAEL: Even got a biblical reference in this one. Nice.
AGENT: Yeah, you did… Michael, did you shoot all of these spots on the same day?
MICHAEL: Yep, one long, grueling day. Why do you ask?
AGENT: Oh my God.
MICHAEL: What’s the matter?
AGENT: Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Holy shit, Michael! What the hell were you thinking?
MICHAEL: What’s wrong?
AGENT: Fuck, Michael, do you have to ask? You just made fifteen underwear commercials in which you have a Hitler mustache!
Pictured Left: Crazy Person. Pictured Right: Crazy Mustache.
MICHAEL: Oh that. Yeah, I know.
AGENT: You know?
MICHAEL: Of course I know. I do shave myself.
AGENT: What the hell were you thinking?
MICHAEL: I’m taking it back.
AGENT: Taking it back?
AGENT: Taking it back.
MICHAEL: You got it.
AGENT: Michael, one doesn’t simply take back the Hitler mustache.
MICHAEL: True enough; however, not everybody is me.
MICHAEL: Meaning that bastard has held on to the look for decades – he’s been dead since 1945, and I think it’s time to take it back.
AGENT: You can’t take it back.
MICHAEL: The hell I can’t. I can do anything!
AGENT: Except hit a baseball.
NOTE: Under normal circumstances, sports post fall under the umbrella of my Yankees blog, BomberBanter.com, but given the nonsensical nature of what follows, CJ seemed like the appropriate home for this post.
Welcome to a new feature here at CreativeJamie.com: A Fly On The Wall. The objective of this feature is to imagine what it would be like to hear some conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. I’m kicking off A Fly On The Wall with a conversation I assume took place between Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick and General Manger Howie Roseman after they were eliminated from the 2011 NFL playoffs by the Green Bay Packers.
VICK: Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice.
ROSEMAN: Of course, Michael. You know, I’ve always liked to think of the Eagles organization as one big family – and the green innovations we’ve made here at the stadium will help keep our family and the greater Philadelphia area family a bit healthier while saving the franchise money.
VICK: That’s not just good environmental planning, that’s a smart business decision. The energy we generate but don’t use will earn us credit toward future energy consumptions next season.
ROSEMAN: That’s right, Michael! We don’t just have our eyes on championships – we also have our eyes on the future, and setting an example for the community is exactly what the Eagles are all about.
VICK: Exactly – setting an example. That’s what I can came to see you about.
VICK: Yeah. That game ending interception-
VICK: That was my fault, I was forcing it. That interception sealed our fate – it’s my fault we lost the game.
ROSEMAN: Just let it go. It’s time to relax now and in a few weeks, to start preparing for another season.
VICK: Preparing for another season? I think we both know that’s not going to happen.
VICK: We have to set the example here. Losing can not be tolerated.
ROSEMAN: Of course we never want to lose a game, but we did, and it’s over. I don’t want to lose you, Michael. We have every intention of resigning you. I will engage your representation with every intention of bringing you back here for another season of Eagles football.
VICK: That isn’t going to happen.
ROSEMAN: Why not? What are you talking about?
VICK: What you were talking about: setting an example for the community.
ROSEMAN: Oh come on, Michael… that was mostly bull sh-
VICK: This is serious. Losing can’t be tolerated, and there is only one way to handle a loser.
ROSEMAN: I think you need a drink. Let me pour you a drink. You like bourbon?
VICK: Actually, there are several ways to handle a loser.
ROSEMAN: Do me a favor and drink this, please. Sit down and relax.
VICK: You can hang a loser, electrocute a loser, drown a loser-
ROSEMAN: Let me just go ahead and take that drink back from you.
VICK: Or you can beat a loser to death; that’ll work, too.
ROSEMAN: <sigh> We’re not going to do any of those things, Michael.
VICK: I won’t tolerate any losers in this family! My intensity is for shit!
ROSEMAN: Are you quoting The Breakfast Club?
VICK: I’ve got to be number one! Win! Win! Wiiiiiiiiin!
ROSEMAN: Michael, get a hold of yourself! We’re not going to execute you for losing! That’s just not how things are done around here. You need to go home, relax and for God’s sake, don’t talk to the press!
ROSEMAN: Damn it, don’t blow this! NFL fans obviously don’t care about the dog thing – you came in second in pro bowl voting, and you were leading until the very end! That’s 1.5 million people that couldn’t care less about what you did. And I bought the hippies off with all that environmental crap, which cost a fortune, by the way!
ROSEMAN: And most people don’t even know about the other crap: that truck of yours that your buddies were selling weed out of, that time somebody in your entourage stole the airport security guy’s watch, that women you gave genital herpes too – the Ron Mexico alias was a brilliant touch, by the way – look, all you need to do is go home, work out, avoid the press, donate some money to some animal rights groups and after school programs, and by the start of next season no one will even remember what you got in trouble for in the first place. Shit, they barely remember now! Just keep scrambling in the pocket, pick up some big runs and unleash that arm of yours, and, frankly, it’s all good.
VICK: Losing can be tolerated?
ROSEMAN: My dear Michael, anything can be tolerated if you’re good at sports… and I’m not just talking about cheating or doing steroids. In July of 2009, The Examiner reported that 21 percent of NFL players had arrest records during the 2007 season. So what if you engaged in interstate criminal actions while torturing and murdering the innocent? You think anybody really cares? I know I don’t! Why should you? In fact, if you and I have learned anything over the last few months, it’s that if you’re rich or talented or both, you can get away with just about anything.
VICK: I went to jail.
ROSEMAN: Yeah, but you got your life back! It’s like it never happened. Weren’t you just playing football on national television? How many other convicted felons can say that?
ROSEMAN: Don’t answer that.