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All Superhero Movies with a Female Protagonist are TERRIBLE (movie review)

I don’t know why, but if a movie studio sets out to make a superhero movie with a female protagonist, they’re bound to f@ck it up, because Hollywood has done this every single time they’ve tried. Check out the Fatal Five, these Superhero Movies with a Female Protagonist that are all completely and utterly TERRIBLE.

Supergirl (1984)
If you’re familiar with the expression, "First is the worst," well, this is what they’re talking about. Supergirl is one of the biggest messes I’ve ever seen on film. Its story defies all logic, its visuals are ridiculous ("watch" Supergirl fight an invisible monster!) and the performances… are worthy of this movie, let’s put it that way. Supergirl is at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, and deservedly so, because it’s friggin horrible.

Tank Girl (1995)
Look, it’s the 90s! We’re so alternative! Look how counter-culture Tank Girl is – look! Please look at them! Seriously, please look! It’s the young lady who played the pitcher in League of Their Own! Please look at her, please! Also, Naomi Watts! And Malcolm McDowell is going through his weird Star Trek Generations villain thing, so he’s here, too. As far as I can remember, this movie tries to be funny and fails miserably and if you watch the whole thing, you deserve a medal. This is at 38% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is high. Somebody please send me a medal.

Barb Wire (1996)
Pamela Anderson came out during the heigh of Pamela Anderson’s… Pamela Anderson-ness… and yet, nobody saw it because it was terrible. It’s kinda baffling in it’s way. There was a time when all we wanted to do was stare at Pamela Anderson, and this movie gave us that opportunity, and yet, we still wouldn’t do it. I tried to watch this when it came to the aftermarket, but I don’t think I finished it. I honestly can’t remember, and that’s saying something, because I even remember how Armageddon ends. This is at 28% on Rotten Tomatoes, and that’s generous… unless they’re giving 10 points a boob… then I guess it’s OK.
(I agree, that comment is crass, but since this is a movie starring a woman who’s only famous for her looks and most notably, her large breasts, I think it’s fair. Crass, but fair nevertheless.)

And now, we enter the era of Superhero Movies with a Female Protagonist that feature legitimate movie stars in the leading roll and are still TERRIBLE.

Catwoman (2004)
I tried to watch this movie. I really did. But I just couldn’t. I think I made it as far as the transformation scene and gave up. It’s at 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. 9. It’s that much worse than Barb Wire, and it stars Halle Berry and Sharon Stone – or, in other words, people who can actually act. It’s that bad. Scoop your eyeballs out with a spoon and stuff ‘em in your ears bad.

Elektra (2005)
See, the Catwoman movie came out of nowhere – it had nothing to do with Batman Returns (or any Batman movie for that matter) and starred Halle Berry, who’s a great actress, so there were expectations. But with Elektra, everyone wondered a collective, "Why does this movie exist? We already saw that Jennifer Gardner is not up to the task in 2004’s Daredevil, and who the hell wants to see a sequel to that movie, anyway?" If you want to understand how few people were interested in seeing this movie, then check out this quote from WIkipedia:

Domestically the total gross was $24,409,722, at the time the lowest for a movie featuring a Marvel Comics character since Howard the Duck. The film had a worldwide total of $56,681,566.

Finding someone who saw this movie in the theater is like finding a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Elektra is at 10% on Rotten Tomatoes and it was released in January, which is the movie studio’s way of saying, "Look, we know it’s a turd, but it’s cold outside and if you’ve got nothing else to do and insist on going to the movies instead of staying inside where it’s safe and warm, maybe watch this movie." I don’t know what they were thinking. It’s baffling.

Well, maybe we’ll have better luck in the future. A Black Widow movie doesn’t seem impossible at this point, so maybe that’ll show up and buck the trend.
It’s a trend that needs bucking.

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com and BomberBanter.com

Posted on May 19, 2014, in lists, movie reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Supergirl: Just baffling. A criminal waste of an ideal.
    Tank Girl: I loved this. Utterly stupid and utterly brilliant at the same time.
    Barb Wire: Given that you start with “Oh, God. Pamela Anderson. This will be utter crap…”, it’s actually not so bad. An OTT Sci-Fi adaptation of Casablanca with added girl-power.
    Catwoman: Awful. Just awful. A crime against cinema itself.
    Elektra: I can see why people don’t love it, but it’s not a bad film. A bad superhero film, perhaps, but it’s the only film of these five that plays it sincere and serious, and that actually cares about character.

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