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Transformers (movie review)

Well, it’s finally come to this: I’m going to review the Transformers movie. Not Transformers: The Movie, but instead, the 2007 Michael Bay directed live action feature. Before I get into this, I do want to mention two things: I went into this movie with super low expectations and I saw it in the theater.

Yeah, my expectations were low: hey, it’s a Michael Bay movie and just look at that trailer. Really watch it – there’s nothing there to get anyone excited… or, there’s nothing there to get me excited. It’s just Transformers porn and as I was never the biggest Transformers fan, this trailer didn’t do anything for me. However, if you grew up loving Transformers, then maybe this got you excited… Me, I was into everything but Transformers (not that I hated Transformers, it’s just that it didn’t grab me and the show wasn’t on at a convenient time for me – but the toys were awesome); He-Man, G.I. Joe, Thundercats… so on. But whatever, I like movies, so I went with my friends to see the movie when it opened…

And my God, was it awful.

This movie has 3 basic problems:

1. THE STORY IS BORING
Pop quiz: what’s the plot of this movie? You can’t remember, can you? It’s not because 2007 was a long time ago, either (I remember the plot of Return of the Jedi just fine) – it’s because it’s about some convoluted nonsense… there are scratches on Sam Witwicky’s eyeglasses… but wait, they’re not even his eyeglasses, they’re his grandfather’s and… I dunno, those scratches mean something. I dunno… uhm… Megatron is frozen inside the Hoover Dam? Is that right? The climax… I think Megan Fox is driving BumbleBee around on the back of truck and then at the end, we find out that BumbleBee likes three ways with humans when Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf make out on top of him. (BumbleBee could have done something about that, but he didn’t… yeah.)
The point is, if I have no idea what the movie is about, that’s a bad thing. All I really remember is being bored.

Oh! I remember wincing when Optimus Prime said, "My bad" and shaking my head at BumbleBee’s awkward charades communication. I do remember that.

2. THE CHARACTERS ARE BORING
Speaking of boring, did you care about any of the characters in this movie at all? I certainly didn’t. They could live, die, get what they want, or not… I just didn’t care. Besides Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf, there was… I dunno, an army man, and of course, a bunch of Transformers not named Optimus Prime, BumbleBee or Megatron, but I didn’t care about that… even when one of them got torn in half.
(Oo, I remembered another detail!)

3. I CAN’T TELL WHAT’S GOING ON AND I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT THE SCREEN
Hey Michael Bay, ZOOM OUT A LITTLE, WOULD YA? Between the static, colorless character design and the tight shots of the fighting, I literally could not tell which Transformer was punching who. It looked liked crap and the whole point of this movie is to watch transformers fight AND YOU CAN’T WATCH TRANSFORMERS FIGHT. It’s easily the most frustrating aspect of a movie full of frustrating nonsense.

That’s about all there is to say. The movie just doesn’t work for me, at all. It’s not fun to look at, the story is boring, I don’t care about any of the characters and the action is annoying because of the way it’s presented. This movie has a beginning, a middle and an end, but just barely, so I’m going to give it a 3.5 out of 10 because of the reasons listed above, but most of all, because it’s a boring action movie starring the Transformers, and this sentence should be impossible.

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com and BomberBanter.com

Posted on April 29, 2014, in lists, movie reviews and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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