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Daylight Savings Time: Brought to you by Capitalism, not Farmers or School Children

Daylight Savings Time is one of those things that has plagued my mind for years because of the way it was explained to me. I’d always heard that we adjust the clocks to benefit American farmers… and later in life, I’d heard it benefits school children by putting them outside during better lighted hours. Both of these reasons are MYTHS, and the real reason is brought to you by our friendly neighborhood Wu Tang Clan: it’s money.

You know what they say: "Follow the spiders." Wait, that’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I meant "Follow the money." That’ll set ya right.

Yep, it turns out everything you’ve ever heard about why we participate in Daylight Savings Time is a tremendous lie and it’s really all about cash. The idea that farmers only obey their clocks and not the sun is ridiculous and it’s darker in the morning during day light savings time than it is beforehand, so that about nixes the whole "keep kids walking to school safe" idea. But how does this help businesses make money? The theory is simple. Here is how we are thought to behave:

NO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SCENARIO
You’re an average Jamie, like me – you get out of work and it’s dark out, so you go home and eat dinner. You make no stops. You spend no money. The economy crashes, California breaks off of the continental US and sinks into the sea and Woody Allen continues to make a movie a year FOREVER. (His next film, Blue Avatar, is a lot like Bananas, but with more CGI.)

Anyway, it’s bad that we go straight home after work and spend no money. Because obviously, nobody ever goes shopping or spends any money at all during the winter… except… oh, what’s it called, that one thing where everybody goes shopping… oh yeah, it’s CHRISTMAS.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SCENARIO
You’re an average Jamie, like me – you get out of work and it’s light outside! The birds are singing! Let’s go to the hardware store and get that tool and materials I need to finish my home improvement project! Let’s go outside and experience the world! And spend money while we’re doing it! Because, obviously, as we’ve established, there is no way to spend money when it’s dark!

I’m sure there is a correlation between business receipts and sunlight, but let’s be real: people spend more at places like Home Depot and Lowes during Daylight Savings Time because it’s not the fall or winter and therefore not freezing ASS outside. I can’t work on my backyard right now because IT’S COVERED IN SNOW, not because it’s always dark out after I get off work. Sure, the lack of light doesn’t help any, but the fall and winter are the days with less sunlight anyway. Also, CHANGING THE CLOCKS DOES NOT ALTER THE MINUTES OF SUN WE GET EACH DAY! But yes, it is hard to chainsaw a tree after work when it’s dark out. You win that round.

You know who loves Daylight Savings Time? The golf industry. I guess the idea is that they just couldn’t open the courses at 5 AM or whatever time would be necessary if Daylight Savings Time didn’t exist – probably because people wouldn’t get up at 4 in the morning just t play golf. I get that Daylight Savings Time creates more tee times, but that is a pretty piss poor reason to mess with my clock. And, I get that if we don’t "Fall Back" later in the year, our daylight schedule will be all messed up, but there’s got to be a better way to do this.

I guess I should just calm down, because it’s only an hour. I think I’m really just angry that I’ve been lied to – I thought I was helping people harvest crops and kids get to school without getting hit by a car, but it turns out, it’s all just a cash grab… for stuff I buy anyway.

This is making my head hurt. If I think of a topic that makes more sense, I’ll write something else later. Anyway, don’t forget to spring ahead before you go to bed Saturday night so the earth doesn’t tip out of its rotation!

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com and BomberBanter.com

Posted on March 7, 2014, in observations and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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