Birdemic: Shock and Terror (The Worst Movies Ever)
I teased the Birdemic review a few days ago, so here it is, as promised. (Or threatened.)
In an attempt to remake The Birds with a bunch of quasi environmental and political messages, we get Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a film that’s so bad, it gets honorary placement on our The Worst Movies Ever list. Welcome, Birdemic!Birdemic is the tale of… I dunno, the world’s most awkward salesman who falls for a beautiful fashion model (she just landed a deal with Victor Secret… but she’s doing photo shoots in a one hour photo store in a strip mall?), and eventually, birds attack for no reason and without any kind of warning.
“Meet Rod – his acting shows less humanity than Data on Star Trek and he’s arguably the worst basketball player ever captured on film!”
Rather than write a full, essay styled review, I’ll just point out a few areas of the film that bugged me the most. I mean, hell, the entire movie was terrible, but these were the biggest problems. Hmm. After reading over the list, this pretty much covers the entire movie in one way or another. Yeah, that’s about right.
This movie is littered with problems, but the movie’s biggest problem is the sound. When it’s not distracting you from the scene as it pops in and out, you just either can’t hear what someone is saying or can’t understand them because the audio quality is so terrible. I’m sympathetic to audio issues as I find that sound is the hardest thing to get right when filming, but jeez – it’s really, really bad in this flick. I don’t think they even tried to mix it or do any restoration work. Buy Adobe Audition already!
The same shiz just keeps looping over and over in the background. It’s lazy and poorly edited, but this guy makes up for it!
Sorry the sound and audio aren’t synced up. They are in the movie – not that it helps the movie out any. Is she doing the robot?
You’ll be humming, “Just hanging out, hanging out with my family, having ourselves a par-tay!” for the rest of your life!
The “Special” Effects
The special effects in this film are special in the same way that someone has a face that only a mother could love. That is to say, they’re friggin horrible. They look like they were rendered in Windows 98 or something on… I dunno the free editing software that comes with Real Player. It looks like someone found clip art images of birds and then animated them with key frames or something… anyway, it looks awful, the gun’s muzzle flair look awful, the totally unnecessary green screen dancing scene looks horrible (I’m totally starting a band called Green Screen Dancing Scene!)… they’re all just horrible.
Everyone but the female lead is just horrible. The female lead is actually pretty good, but everyone else is repugnant.
(I’m trying to curse less.)
Like many Alfred Hitchcock movies (again, particularly The Birds), this movie starts off being about one thing and then turns into something else. However, the birds in Birdemic don’t make much of an appearance (I think they might wander into one shot during the couple’s first date) until about 40 minutes in. Again, going back to Hitchcock, one of the first scenes in the movie is in a bird store. And then the female lead buys some birds! Birds are EVERYWHERE in that flick! Anyway, The Birds is a real movie made by competent film makers, which is why it all weaves together nicely and Birdemic doesn’t because these knuckleheads didn’t know what they were doing!
After the most awkward sex scene ever committed to film, the birds start attacking, and the rest of the movie is just muzzle flares and people running or driving. Nothing else happens but driving, people eating quietly at a bench, shooting out car windows… that’s about it. And then, 40 minutes later, the birds fly away for no reason.
Did they shoot this on VHS? It looks like shiz! Dirty, filthy, bug infested shiz! Any the camera is always panning down on stuff, which is the weirdest reveal ever when there’s nothing to look at in the top of the frame. And who did the car camera work? Every time they film from inside the car, the camera is leaning to the side for no reason! It looks like SHIZ!
- Why are the female lead’s feet so filthy during the sex scene?
- Who picked out those costumes for her photo shoot? Did they pick them out in the dark?
- I don’t think anyone took a single bite of food during that entire dinner scene. On the other hand, everyone was too busy stuffing their face to say anything during the picnic scene.
- Why didn’t they switch their vehicle to the bus? The van they were driving looked like it was ready to break down at any minute and everyone could have fit on the bus – including the people they made get off the bus who were immediately killed… because they got off the bus.
- All of the business deals in this movie sure like to work in round numbers. “A million dollars!” Did he say he gave someone a 50% discount and the sale was still a million dollars? So it was a two million dollar list price and he gave the customer half off? What?
- Why did Mr. Negotiator, the great salesmen who made million dollar deals, not negotiate the price of gas with the gas station attendant? $100 dollars a gallon is steep, even for crisis prices… wait, everything is crazy, gas is $100 dollars a gallon, but the credit card machine still works?
This is usually the part where I’d warn you to stay away from this flick, but instead, I say get a ton of booze and friends together and watch Birdemic: Shock and Terror and laugh your asses off. It’s available Netflix instant.
Oh, and one more thing… click here – if you dare!