I find this sign to be very… specific. Why not “Pedestrians only” or “No Manually Operated Vehicles” or something that doesn’t list specific devices? A sign like this is just begging a kid to challenge it. So kids, here are 5 things that this sign doesn’t prohibit.
#5. Roller Skates
It’s cheaper than drugs, too!
See, the sign says ‘No roller blading‘ – it doesn’t say anything about kicking it old school. I highly recommend you kick it old school, kids, because, as you may have heard, there is no school like the old school. Well, unless you go to the New School… I hear that many of their theater performance classes are old school.
#4. Roller Skate Shoes – Stealth Mode!
His parents just want to collect the insurance money.
I also don’t see any notice about those shoes with the wheels in them. I totally would have rocked those when I was a kid. If somebody hassles you, just slide the wheels back into the shoe and inform them that your are not in violation of their frigging sign, literally or semantically. Also, give them the finger. The middle finger!
#3. Roller Racer
“How’s it go? I don’ motha fuckin’ know!”
OK, maybe that’s not exactly how their marketing campaign went, but nevertheless, Roller Racer is not only an awesome product, but it’s not prohibited by the sign. Seriously, it might look like a pain in the ass, but I had the opportunity to use one a few times, and they’re actually pretty sweet. On the other hand, they might be a pain the ass to navigate down a sidewalk, but they go in circles like nobody’s business!
Now we’re really going old school! (Or… we’re really going circus? We’re really going.. something.) Impress your friend and defy the sign all at once! I bet those things put a lot of pressure on your ass, though…
#1. Power Wheels
NARRATOR: …each sold separately. I’m using this tone in a children’s toy commercial because my wife just left me and the dog died.
Anyway, Pow-Pow-Power Wheels!
I would really like to see a kid rocking a black Power Wheels SUV (preferably featuring spinner rims and silver trim) with after market suspension and hydraulics, blasting “Gin and Juice” out of a huge sound system complete with sub woofer. That would be friggin’ amazing. If ‘the man’ hassles you, just turn up the volume and call him a “Biatch!” In fact, if somebody can build one that can accommodate a 6 ft tall 31 year old man, I will do it myself.