Superman III – The Worst Movies Ever
- stuff that is too old to eat
- shit that’s been in there so long you can’t remember where it came from – and there is new shit growing on top of it – you don’t even open the container, you just throw that shit right in the trash
Superman III is the latter. Seriously, this movie is worse than the 1990 version of Captain America. How in the hell did they fuck up Superman this bad?
Well, I think it all goes back to the Richard Donner/Richard Lester thing. As far as I can remember, Donner directed the first Superman movie and was fired during the production of Superman II. I like a lot of what Donner did, and I’ve seen some of Lester’s movies, too, and I like them as well – A Hard Days Night is a really well executed movie starring four guys who have no idea how to act, but that sort of camp just didn’t play well here. The biggest mistake was writing a script that revolved around Richard Pryor playing a prominent role in the film. Don’t get me wrong – Richard Pryor was a genius, but this just didn’t work. If you want to see a good movie that features Richard Pryor, check out Harlem Nights.
Anyway, the movie revolves around Pryor, who uses a computer program to embezzle money from his employer – the characters in Office Space blatantly copy this idea. This brings him to the bad guys attention, as they run the company: some guy, his sister and some young blond with a squeaky voice. They blackmail Pryor into helping them user computers to take over the world’s coffee supply. No kidding – coffee.
Superman goes to his high school reunion – well, not in the suit, as Clark Kent. On the way to Smallville, he does some Superman stuff, which is cool, but it’s all down hill from here. Once he actually arrives, he gets caught in a love triangle with former classmates Annette O’Toole and some drunk dude that is totally uninteresting. Meanwhile, the bad guys make Richard Pryor reprogram some satellite to create a tornado to destroy a coffee crop in Columbia, because Columbia’s government is all, “Psh, we don’t do business with bad guys. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, we don’t care about money. I mean, seriously, this is Columbia. We do have some pride, you know.” Of course, Superman stops the storm and the bad guys realize that The Man of Steel is in their way. How do they get rid of him? Well, they saw the first movie, so they know they need some Kryptonite, but since there isn’t any left on Earth, the again use the satellite to peer into deep space to at least look at some pieces of Krypton and find out what it’s made of, but the recipe they end up with is missing one unknown ingredient. They decide to substitute that ingredient with tar, because tar is in cigarettes, and cigarettes are bad for you. Got that, kids?
There’s also all these crappy site gags. I’ll let Christopher Reeve tell you about one:
“I didn’t think that his [Richard Pryor] going off the top of a building, on skis with a pink tablecloth around his shoulders, was particularly funny.”
Yeah. So the fake Kryptonite doesn’t kill Superman, it just makes him an asshole. Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? He just goes around doing asshole stuff, like straightening the Leaning Tower of Pizza for no reason, causing an oil spill for no reason, and having sex with the young blond with a squeaky voice – well, at least I understood why that happened. Then Superman gets drunk and has a weird fight with himself. No kidding – it’s not existential or anything – he splits into two people.
Superman and Clark Kent beat on each other for a while until Clark finally chokes Superman until he disappears. Then he tears open his shirt and reveals a nice, clean Superman costume. He flies around and rights wrongs, standard Superman shit, and then comes the final battle – a faceoff with a computer.
Superman wins. Richard Pryor and The Man of Steel exchange a very embarrassing handshake.
The best part of this movie is not only how good Christopher Reeves is in it, but his ability to take his job seriously, no matter how dumb it gets. It’s an awful movie, yet he’s brilliant in it. Strange.
The worst part about this movie is that it exists.