Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lighting Thief – The Worst Movies Ever
In the wake of the enormous success of the Harry Potter book and movie franchise, it only stands to reason that other properties would be given similar treatment. The Golden Compass springs to mind, which was an adaptation of the 1995 novel Northern Lights (published two years before Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, aka Sorcerer’s Stone) and a movie I enjoyed, probably because of it’s high animal content and weird factor. Still, imitators were likely to emerge, and Percy Jackson answered that call in spades. However, The Lighting Thief is so terrible that I just want to hold Jackson’s head under water until he stops kicking… if only that were possible.I’m not even kidding around – Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lighting Thief is an abomination! It’s worse than The Sorcerer’s Apprentice! The Lighting Thief has about a zillion problems (which may or may not be inherent to the novel, which I have not and will never read), and under normal circumstances, I’d say that they are too numerous to list, but since this is The Worst Movies Ever, let’s dive in and at least hit the things that are the most egregious.
Percy is the son of Poseidon? Lame.
Yeah, I studied this stuff in 7th grade, too, and while I’m OK with a dash of random mythology in my entertainment (Marvel drops Thor into The Avengers, just for flavor – I’m with that), this is just too much, and for some reason, it bores the hell out of me. Maybe it’s because it reminds me of 7th grade English class… wait, I liked that class… huh, I studied in English in college, too… I guess I hate it because it’s just too lazy; there’s taking something and making it your own, and then there’s just continuing someone else’s story (Greek myths) because you’re too lazy (or untalented) to come up with your own idea. Also, can’t Percy have a Greek last name instead of Jackson?
Oh, and Percy doesn’t know he’s a wizard… I mean the son of Poseidon until it’s revealed. Huh. Kinda getting sick of that plot device. (“No… I am your father!”)
Seriously? These are your protagonists?
So you’ve got a guy as the main protagonist, coupled with his bosom buddy and a girl that’s smarter than both of them. These three…
kinda look like these three…
Yeah. Just a little. Huh. See, if you take something and make it your own (such as Fluffy in Harry Potter, who looks like Cerberus), you need to be a bit more clever and not have it be so out front… meaning you shouldn’t essentially rip off your protagonist’s character models from another young adult fantasy series.
I don’t care if any of the characters live or die.
All of the characters either annoy or bore me. I wish I could articulate it better, but there it is. I was constantly rooting for the protagonists to get killed so the movie would end sooner.
Why is Uma Thurman so bad in this movie and Batman & Robin?
Seriously, what the hell is happening here? Does this happen any time she’s in a kids movie? Her performance is FREAKING TERRIBLE! Even the young adults put in better performances than her. I felt this scene brought the movie to a grinding halt with it’s awfulness. (The dialogue doesn’t help matters – we’ll get to that in a minute.) It’s not like Uma Thurman isn’t talented – she’s actually a tremendous force and can carry a movie with the best of them, but this time, she’s the worst actor in the movie. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to play bad guys.
The dialogue SUCKS.
I’m a Star Wars fan, so if the movie works, I can deal with bad dialogue, but holy sweet Italian sausage, this is horrendous!
Grover: And he’s alive! Percy Jackson is a beast! You’re a beast, man! Gimme some!
Percy Jackson: How long was that?
Grover: Seven minutes.
Percy Jackson: Seven minutes?
Grover: Uh-huh. That’s crazy, man, that’s ridiculous. How do you do it?
Percy Jackson: I just like being in water. It’s the one place I can think.
Ugh. It’s the one place he can think. Because he’s the son of Poseidon. Please note that he doesn’t seem to have any trouble at all thinking when he’s not under water.
Grover: [the ferry man just burned the money he gave him] Come on man, You could’ve warned me… [grumbling] We’re in a recession!
Right now, I’m miming putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.
Percy Jackson: But you were some weird hybrid, man-goat THING, whoa!
Grover: Yeah. The politically correct term is satyr.
To quote a better movie, “Looks like I quit the wrong day to stop sniffing glue!”
This movie sucks worse than cleaning dog crap off my sneakers. It’s too violent for children and too stupid for anyone over twelve.