CreativeJamie.com is dedicated to understanding the fundamental truths of the universe and disseminating the information to you in a clear and concise way – however, there is one problem: I don’t have any scientific knowledge or ability. But fear not! I had assembled a scientific round table consisting of the best fictional minds available! Today, CreativeJamie.com is proud to present to you the minds that will explain what it is about being a politician that makes your junk jump out of your pants. Truth bombs are about to be dropped by:
- Roy Hinkley, M.A., B.S., Ph.D., aka “The Professor” (Gilligan’s Island)
- Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, aka “The Professor” (Futurama)
- Tony Stark, aka “Iron Man” (Marvel Comics)
- Dr. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture, aka “Doc” (The Venture Bros)
- Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, aka “Cliff,” aka “Fat Albert” (The Cosby Show)
ME: Welcome, gentlemen! Sorry it’s such a sausage fest.
THE PROFESSOR: The fictional world is a misogynistic place, Jamie.
TONY: I know, right? It’s totally awesome! All the chicks are top shelf and I’m a fabulously wealthy super hero… [sips martini] so I do pretty well.
DR. VENTURE: [whispers to me, gestures toward Tony] I fucking hate this guy.
DR. HUXTABLE: I think [pause] that we’re all here [pause] to discuss the cause of the bipping and the bopping–
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Oh my, yes! Elected officials have enjoyed promiscuous sex or other lewd activities for hundreds of years! My only regret is that so little of it has been archived.
ME: Too true, Professor! In the past – sorry, I mean my past, not yours, Professor Farnsworth – if one were to show a subject the words ‘sex’ and ‘politician’ they would, without hesitation, refer to the alleged affair between President John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe.
TONY: Ha! Alleged!
ME: Although JFK was hardly the first, it was easily the most famous incident. These days, however, when subjects are given the same cues, they rattle off a long list of politician’s names, from Bill Clinton to Newt Gingrich to Anthony Weiner.
ME: No, seriously – there really is a congressman named Weiner.
TONY: That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. Reality is totally unreal.
ME: Agreed. But, it begs the question: are we better informed now, or are politicians more promiscuous than ever?
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Water samples indicates that current water treatment methods are not able to filter out chemicals from pharmaceuticals ingested orally, passed through the body and discharged as a waste product.
DR. VENTURE: Can somebody tell me what the human prune just said?
TONY: He said that when you’re peeing out your Viagra -
DR. VENTURE: I don’t take Viagra, your self indulgent prick!
TONY: – it’s finding it’s way back into the water supply – and then Anthony Weiner drinks tap water -
DR. HUXTABLE: And it makes the penis long and hard like the frozen Jell-O pudding pops!
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Precisely!
ME: However, I do think it is worth noting that Gail Collins has written a book, Scorpion Tongues, which includes details concerning elected officials -
DR. HUXTABLE: Bipping and a Bopping until they don’t know [pause] what the jazz [pause] is all about! You see, my father was a great jazz musician -
ME: Anyway, Scorpion Tongues covers politicians as far back as Thomas Jefferson misbehaving, and there was no Viagra back then. Professor Farnsworth?
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Fascinating. Perhaps there is something in the human condition of those who choose to enter public service that -
DR. HUXTABLE: Makes them photograph the genitalia with the Kodak film?
PROF. FARNSWORTH: Kodak film? Wait, what year is this? Where am I? Who’s there? What’s this in my pocket? Why am I carrying around a kidney in here?
ME: So yes, the weird pictures of politicians that they’ve sending all over the place is… just weird.
TONY: It’s impossible to be anonymous in the twenty-first century. If you’re famous for any reason and you put something on Twitter or CraigsList or Facebook or anywhere, it’s going to come out. Only a crazy person would dispute this. There are no off limits and there is no ‘get out of jail free’ card for your reputation.
ME: So what can we do about this? How do we keep politicians from taking their junk out when they’re not supposed to? Professor?
THE PROFESSOR: We can construct a crude elctro-magnetic device from leftover radio parts and a coconut -
DR. VENTURE: Who let this guy in here? We’d be better off with Ginger – at least she’s easy on the eyes.
TONY: What are you going to do with Ginger? Fetch her a drink and by the time you get back she’s in the passenger seat of my Lamborghini -
DR. VENTURE: I so can’t wait until The Hulk kicks your ass in The Avengers movie.
ME: Other suggestions? Professor Farnsworth?
PROF. FARNSWORTH: [snoring]
DR. VENTURE: Look, it’s inevitable. People like to bang and when it comes to the sort of ego maniacal rich people who want to be politicians, it’s even more true.
TONY: I’ve got it – ban marriage.
THE PROFESSOR: Come again?
TONY: You’re not my type. But we should ban politicians from getting married. Think about it – conservatives are always trying to block gays from getting married, so why not ban members of the house from matrimony? Then when they get caught -
DR. VENTURE: They at least have the excuse that they’re lonely.
ME: Pretty sure that not only violates civil liberties, but it also won’t decrease pictures of elected cock on the internet, which is my primary goal.
[the room is quiet]
TONY: I’ve got it! It’s so simple and yet so genius – it’s really the sort of idea that only my mind could generate, it’s -
DR. VENTURE: Will you shut up and tell us already?!?
TONY: Legalize prostitution and pass federal legislation that prohibits visiting a prostitute as grounds for a divorce or adultery.
DR. VENTURE: I’ve misjudged you.
TONY: Want to hit Vegas, drink some martinis?
DR. VENTURE: Now you’re talking!
[Dr. Farnsworth falls out of his chair and onto the floor, still snoring.]
There you have it, folks. Whether it’s a chemically induced element or personality aspect drives our politicians to adultery or lewd photography can’t yet be understood by scientists, one thing is for sure: the only way to keep it off the front page is to legalize prostitution… says the alcoholic in the flying body armor.
A quick word on Anthony Weiner and any politician who’s ever done anything similar: If you’ve cheated, that’s one thing – it shows a lack of commitment and self control, which brings your character into question, so it’s hard (the jokes write themselves!) for the public to have faith in you as their representative. When you take it to the next level and take the photographs yourself, you should not only resign, but you should be banned from voting forever because clearly, you’re an idiot. How crazy must you be to think you can get away with something like that in the 21st century? I don’t have a moral problem with what you did because frankly, I don’t think it’s any of my business, but, the incident proves one thing: you are too stupid to hold office.