NOTE: Under normal circumstances, sports post fall under the umbrella of my Yankees blog, BomberBanter.com, but given the nonsensical nature of what follows, CJ seemed like the appropriate home for this post.
Welcome to a new feature here at CreativeJamie.com: A Fly On The Wall. The objective of this feature is to imagine what it would be like to hear some conversations that may or may not have ever actually occurred. I’m kicking off A Fly On The Wall with a conversation I assume took place between Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick and General Manger Howie Roseman after they were eliminated from the 2011 NFL playoffs by the Green Bay Packers.
VICK: Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice.
ROSEMAN: Of course, Michael. You know, I’ve always liked to think of the Eagles organization as one big family – and the green innovations we’ve made here at the stadium will help keep our family and the greater Philadelphia area family a bit healthier while saving the franchise money.
VICK: That’s not just good environmental planning, that’s a smart business decision. The energy we generate but don’t use will earn us credit toward future energy consumptions next season.
ROSEMAN: That’s right, Michael! We don’t just have our eyes on championships – we also have our eyes on the future, and setting an example for the community is exactly what the Eagles are all about.
VICK: Exactly – setting an example. That’s what I can came to see you about.
VICK: Yeah. That game ending interception-
VICK: That was my fault, I was forcing it. That interception sealed our fate – it’s my fault we lost the game.
ROSEMAN: Just let it go. It’s time to relax now and in a few weeks, to start preparing for another season.
VICK: Preparing for another season? I think we both know that’s not going to happen.
VICK: We have to set the example here. Losing can not be tolerated.
ROSEMAN: Of course we never want to lose a game, but we did, and it’s over. I don’t want to lose you, Michael. We have every intention of resigning you. I will engage your representation with every intention of bringing you back here for another season of Eagles football.
VICK: That isn’t going to happen.
ROSEMAN: Why not? What are you talking about?
VICK: What you were talking about: setting an example for the community.
ROSEMAN: Oh come on, Michael… that was mostly bull sh-
VICK: This is serious. Losing can’t be tolerated, and there is only one way to handle a loser.
ROSEMAN: I think you need a drink. Let me pour you a drink. You like bourbon?
VICK: Actually, there are several ways to handle a loser.
ROSEMAN: Do me a favor and drink this, please. Sit down and relax.
VICK: You can hang a loser, electrocute a loser, drown a loser-
ROSEMAN: Let me just go ahead and take that drink back from you.
VICK: Or you can beat a loser to death; that’ll work, too.
ROSEMAN: <sigh> We’re not going to do any of those things, Michael.
VICK: I won’t tolerate any losers in this family! My intensity is for shit!
ROSEMAN: Are you quoting The Breakfast Club?
VICK: I’ve got to be number one! Win! Win! Wiiiiiiiiin!
ROSEMAN: Michael, get a hold of yourself! We’re not going to execute you for losing! That’s just not how things are done around here. You need to go home, relax and for God’s sake, don’t talk to the press!
ROSEMAN: Damn it, don’t blow this! NFL fans obviously don’t care about the dog thing – you came in second in pro bowl voting, and you were leading until the very end! That’s 1.5 million people that couldn’t care less about what you did. And I bought the hippies off with all that environmental crap, which cost a fortune, by the way!
ROSEMAN: And most people don’t even know about the other crap: that truck of yours that your buddies were selling weed out of, that time somebody in your entourage stole the airport security guy’s watch, that women you gave genital herpes too – the Ron Mexico alias was a brilliant touch, by the way – look, all you need to do is go home, work out, avoid the press, donate some money to some animal rights groups and after school programs, and by the start of next season no one will even remember what you got in trouble for in the first place. Shit, they barely remember now! Just keep scrambling in the pocket, pick up some big runs and unleash that arm of yours, and, frankly, it’s all good.
VICK: Losing can be tolerated?
ROSEMAN: My dear Michael, anything can be tolerated if you’re good at sports… and I’m not just talking about cheating or doing steroids. In July of 2009, The Examiner reported that 21 percent of NFL players had arrest records during the 2007 season. So what if you engaged in interstate criminal actions while torturing and murdering the innocent? You think anybody really cares? I know I don’t! Why should you? In fact, if you and I have learned anything over the last few months, it’s that if you’re rich or talented or both, you can get away with just about anything.
VICK: I went to jail.
ROSEMAN: Yeah, but you got your life back! It’s like it never happened. Weren’t you just playing football on national television? How many other convicted felons can say that?
ROSEMAN: Don’t answer that.