After all, nothing says loving tribute to those that lost their lives in that tragic accident like JamesCameron collecting another ten bucks off my mom and her friends on movie night.
Oh wait, there is a way to make the tribute even better:
HE’S CONVERTING THE MOVIE TO 3D.
So if you liked Titanic before, surely you will love 3D Leonardo DiCaprio. When reached for comment, Mr. DiCaprio said, “This is exactly what my career needs right now.”
In an effort to one up Mr. Cameron, I’d like to announce that I’ll be debuting Lusitania for Christmas of 2011. The special effects will combine CG elements and plastic models filmed in my bath tub – in the third act, my golden retriever bites the Lusitania in half. And of course, the movie will be in 3D. And it’s going to be a musical, featuring music by Bono and The Edge.
I readily admit: I’ve never actually sat down and watched Titanic from beginning to end. I saw the trailer and thought, “That looks shizzy,” and didn’t see it in theaters. Remember when it was on cable all the time for a while there? I tried, but I had to turn that bad boy off. I stand by the decision. Remember the scene when that one character remarked, “Psh, Picasso, he’ll never go anywhere.” Yeah, I turned it off right there. However, I did turn it back on in time to watch the boat sink, and I’ve seen a few scenes here and there over the years, so I think I got the jist: the movie blows. But then, check out James Cameron’s resume: does anyone seriously enjoy these movies on any level? As for me, I’m patiently waiting for the sequel to Piranha Part Two: The Spawning.
Anyway, I did see the Futurama parody of Titanic – that’s probably good enough.
I thought the idea of a Titanic movie was in bad taste before, when I was a teenager. Re-releasing it just affirms my deeply spiritual belief that James Cameron is the devil and he shouldn’t set this hell hound upon us again. Besides, he owes me one: I sat through all of Avatar and I didn’t interrupt that flaming pile of shiz once to complained about how bad the movie sucked (besides being crappy, it’s also the most predictable movie of all time), how heavy the 3D glasses were, how sick I was of the fact that everything on Pandora glows after the first walk through the jungle, that the element they wanted to mine was called unobtanium and that it equally unnecessary for Cameron to scale the aliens that much bigger than the humans as it was to show the main guy get into his avatar control coffin every single damn time he was going to control his avatar. He has to get in the damn coffin thingy – I get it!
Back to Titanic: making money off tragedy is evil, but not illegal, so I don’t begrudge him much for this – if it wasn’t Cameron, it’d be somebody else. But to do it twice with the same movie is downright… I don’t know what to call it. I guess it makes you Hitler. There, I said it – its just basic math:
let p be profiting off tragedy, so p * 2 = you’re Hitler
I was mad about how shitty Avatar was, but re-releasing Titanic is going to far, and I’m super angry about it, and it’s an anger I can never let go… never let go.